Thursday, June 19, 2008

Blue Tiara

I am wearing a blue tiara at the moment. It's utterly ridiculous. I love it. It was my friend's bachelorette party this evening-we went to a place called Pin Up Bowl and went to dinner at Jose Peppers. Good stuff. We dressed her in a tutu and veil, flashy bling awful rings and beads and took her bowling. Nothin' like it. I hope to have pictures soon hehe. She is getting married on Saturday. I am one of her bridesmaids so it's been a hectic week. I've never been a bridesmaid before. I think I might actually be allergic to weddings. I've worked enough banquets and sponsered dinners to know that much. However, I must say, my friend and her wedding plans have given me hope. It's going to be an awesome gig. Good Baby Got Back, Hot in Here or other lame frilly over the top lace and beads and 4,000 dollar swans with ice sculptures. Instead, we have a classy black and white ska music theme (aka checkerboard), red and orange for some awesome accent colors, interesting flowers, classy bridemaid dresses (I can actually wear it again in public) and what is aiming to be a lot of fun. I'm actually excited.

Sort of makes me wonder if and when I ever get married or decide on any of that rubbish what sort of insane concoctions I'm going to come up with. My friend has managed to keep it about her and her originality and creativity. Which is something so many weddings sorely lack.

Pardon the digression.

It looks like some of my networking has paid off. I went and talked to a gallery downtown yesterday and the lady said that she would let me come in a sell during First Fridays when all the new shows open. She also said that any time I wanted to come down on a Saturday and sell I was welcome. This is good news seeing as I am trying to make some money for my fledgling business and work towards turning it into a real business. I am also trying to get some different art projects ready and worked on to submit for some of the upcoming art shows and the such that I'm reading about but I'm sort of running out of time. I'm trying to apply all the right tactics to get things done but sometimes it's easy to get things spread a little thin around here.

I am currently focusing on getting things for the wedding squared away without breaking my bank account entirely (it's not my wedding. I shouldn't go into debt) and get things ready and prepared for my upcoming artist residence and return to Europe.

I have mixed feelings in some ways about going back. I think that's part of being home for me though...when I'm here I keep looking for that thing whatever it is, that will make me feel like I'm part of a family here. Really and truly. Not that I don't think I have a place or that I'm not loved..I'm not emo or 14 anymore, I know I have those things...I just wish that I felt more integrated. More like I had an impact on things when I'm here I guess. Maybe it's ego. Maybe it's not. Maybe I'm imagining a false sense of importance to the family I work with overseas or maybe I approach my own family with such bias, such tinted views on reality that I can't see the proverbial forest.

Maybe it's really just them. I like that answer. Leaves me with my hand well out of the cookie jar.

There is a new book out called "Who's Your City"-I was hearing about it today on NPR. They were talking about various personality types, cities that fit those types and where the different types of people tend to gravitate. While I'm not usually a fan of compartmentalizing people (or anything really) I think there is some validity to what the book is talking about. I am going to be dealing with where to land when I come back from Estonia/Germany (going to be living in stuttgart...light years better than Wilhelmshaven).

I want to find a place where the energy fits me. I want to find my frequency. I don't necessarily have to stay there for the rest of my life or whatever but I am aiming to find a solid place to land where I feel comfortable making art, making a home (for however long), etc. I really like a lot of things about Kansas City. I care a lot about the people that I know here, the things that I've gotten to do and experience while living here, etc. I don't know if it will be where I set up in the end but I'm open to the idea. I know that for me a huge factor is going to be how creative I feel I can be here. Both in my profession and practice and in my life. I want to be challenged.

What has influenced where you live? Family? friends? career? gut instict?

I'm curious how and why some of you out there found your way to where you are now and what that means to you and what you think the future holds.


Lisa said...

I just ordered that book -- it sounds pretty good. Scott and I struggle with the "where do we belong?" question all the time.

When I was younger, I totally copped out of making those kind of decisions because I joined the Air Force and just went where I was told.

Fortunately, I ended my military time in Colorado and I after leaving to go back east for a year and a half, I finally figured out that I actually like it here a lot.

We talk about where we'd like to live a lot. Scott lived in California (northern and southern) on and off for about a dozen years and he always says he wants to go back and live in northern California again. I like visiting northern California, but if I'm ever going to not work a job I hate, I feel like there's no way we could afford to live there -- at least not in a place we'd love. The other thing -- and this is weird -- I like visiting there, but whenever I've been there it just doesn't "feel" right. There's something about the the limited driving routes between San Francisco and points north that feels claustrophobic to me and there's something about the people I've met (who all seem very nice) that makes me feel like I just wouldn't fit in there.

Finding the place where you feel like you belong is a long term prospect and I don't know that I've ever really felt like I belonged anywhere.

When we moved back to New England in 2004 when my father was terminally ill, it confirmed that Thomas Wolfe adage that you can't go home again. Life goes on without you and once you aren't a normal part of it, you just don't feel quite right there -- I really get that.

I think when people get married and have kids, they more readily establish roots. Since I've never raised kids (except my step-son for a few years), I've never felt that nesting/settling into an area and making friends with other parents kind of thing.

Feeling at home is tricky and I really envy people who get it figured out. I'll be 47 next month and I still haven't got it down :)

Riss said...

I can totally relate. The old adage is definitely true. I love Colorado. I love visiting and the mountains, I miss all those things. And yet. And yet. And a place not "feeling" right doesn't sound weird to me at all. I went to Ireland when I was 17 and I felt like I had gone home in a sense. It's whacky and weird. I'm not Irish. I'm not an immigrant. But it felt almost right. I've since talked to several of my friends about moving there-I have had all these great experiences in Ireland but if I were to move there, would those doors be open to me or are they only open for short periods because I'm tagging along with people who are indigenous or who have welcomed me into their worlds for a few moments. What is at the crux of my feeling?

Home is a loaded word. I don't have a boyfriend or a husband or kids so in some ways my endless options are suffocating me. I am not the most traditional so I'm not all that worried about all the things people tell me I should be worried about. And at the same time, I am looking for ways to define what I think home should be. I want settled without roots. Maybe I just need to settle me and then I'll be home all the time. :D

And thanks for reading the blog. i think you're about it out there (c: I'm really curious what people feel about this so if you know anyone who would be cool commenting, send 'em my way eh?

Steve Malley said...

I'll see your blue tiara and raise you one black plastic Dracula cape.

And you know how everybody goes on vacation and says, "Wouldn't it be great if we lived here?"

I just move.

Congratulations with the galleries!