Mushy Brain Syndrome

Yes folks, that's the new terminology. I think I've got a severe case of it lately. I claim no responsibility for the nonsense that shall be spilled tonight but I seem to have a case of itchy fingers and I decided that I should get on here and put them to good use. I know...sounds sensible right? heh. We'll see.

So tonight has been the night for random thoughts.

Random Thought 1:

Why do people (ok, me and a few others I've noticed), apologize for using phrasing, terminology or language that puts an emotional or spiritual spin on something that usually isn't associated with being either? If that doesn't make sense, I'll dig around for an example. I'll use myself since I'm the easiest to pick on, though some of you out there do it too (c: I, for one, catch myself, no matter how many times I tell myself I'm not going to do it, giving a sort of disclaimer for saying things that some people may find new age-ish, hippy, woo woo (sorry to steal the phrase Tim), or whatever. At the moment I'm blanking on an explicit example but whatever. I'll think of something.

My question is, why? So what if we want to talk about something common and ordinary in a way that it isn't normally spoken about? If that's how it's making us feel and we are fortunate enough to be able to put words to it, then why shouldn't we? Personally, I think it's because I'm afraid that people will internally snicker and think "yah...whatever...crazy hippy." Whether that's because I've shamefully thought of other people that way myself or because I secretly think I'm a crazy hippy or if it's because I'm still harboring some latent guilt from being raised very, very opposite of "crazy hippy" I don't exactly know.

Perhaps we are afraid of being seen as irrational, insane, unhinged or without a strong sense of "reason and logic" anymore. I pride myself on occassionally being intelligent and interesting and I think I feel like going out on philosophical limbs can put those traits in jeopardy, even though I know that going out on those limbs is what allows me the luck of being occassionally intelligent and interesting. Snake why don't you try some tail.

I am looking forward to the day when I can openly, freely and confidently talk about or mention things like the power of attraction, the laws of intention, straightening out the lines of energy or giving my chakras a good spring cleaning without having to add disclaimers, excuses, apologies or warnings beforehand. My usual behavior goes something like this..."talk talk talk talk talk...well, I think (or, I just read, or I heard). Pause. I know this is going to sound a bit out there, new age-ish whatever but I don't care. Pause. Gather thoughts. I think...talk talk talk talk. Wait for snickers, arched eyebrows or damning."

I usually get good responses, unless it's my mother, but that's a whole 'nother story.

Random Thought 2.

Why is leaving equally easy and difficult? Don't things usually weigh a little more heavily one way or the other? For me, I find myself perpetually stuck in a push and pull between staying and not staying. Not exactly leaving, just not staying. At the moment, it's black and white. I am going back to Europe. I am excited. I also feel like I am leaving in the wrong mindset though. I faced struggles here with family and extended "family" that I was not anticipating. I get it, life is full of dissappointments. And one day, I'll learn to just buck up and take it but at the moment I am afflicted by some bruised feelings and it makes me angry. There was no reason for it whatsoever but it's happened and now there's not enough time to fix it. Except, that if I really believed that, I wouldn't care that I was leaving and it wouldn't be a big deal. So tomorrow is another day and I will try in the ways that I know how to fix whatever it is I broke. Though, as these things usually are, I think I walked into something that was already broken but had been hastily thrown together with chewing gum and desperation and am now taking the blame for it falling apart again.

I spend too much time wanting people to like me. Or wanting honesty. One or the other. Hm.

Random Thought 3

Meditation. The word itself puts me in a better mood. I love it. However, over the past few months I feel like I've got a short circuit between me and the ether. Or silence. However you prefer to think of it. I sit down, I get the music going, I count my breathing. And I wait for the familiar sense of something to happen and I get nada. It's like all the components are working but they aren't talking to each other. This has been representing itself in other areas of my life, so I suppose it makes sense. Whether it's the lack of successful reflection/meditation that's causing it or if it's the other way around, I haven't deciphered yet. But it's a bit frustrating at times.

I have know that mediation/reflection/reconnecting with silence can be done without having to "formalize" it but there is something really satisfying to me about sitting down and going through the process of getting centered. I should just do yoga instead maybe.

I have been getting some work done on new art pieces, which is awesome. And really fulfilling. Especially when things seem to be working. Shh...don't tell the pieces otherwise they'll change their mind and stop cooperating. I found some cool new dye stuffs that get the job done quick and nice and that allow me to get to the more time consuming part of direct application (fancy shmancy talk for using a brush and straight dye to color the fabric), embroidery, collage and all those other fun things. I am working towards the Germany Art Residence postmark deadline so the time it all consumes can't be too much longer but if I keep working I'll reach the end soon enough (I know...stunning logic there). I just have to keep going.

And finally,

Random Thought 4

I need to find a really cool gift for an 11 year old German boy before the 14th of July and I need it to be something relatively inexpensive, packable, durable (he's a bit careless at times) and as mentioned, ultimately cool. It would be nice if it were something his sister couldn't get her hands on either. Hm. Thoughts? Anyone? Bueller? I've never been an 11 year old boy (I think thankfully) so I don't quite know what objects qualify as what I've outlined. He likes Pokemon.