I'm there. Standing at the edge of a pending avalanche, waiting to see if I get lucky and find an air pocket or if I'm just going to drown under the weight of 1000's of pounds of snow and try again in a new form when Spring comes.
I read a study the other day that said that people who are out of their 20's focus on the Now more often than the Future and that they are happier for it.
I'm not sure whether I agree or disagree but I know that I am clinging to Now with my fingernails. I am not happier. But, my Now is collapsing as I speak so I release myself from guilt and regret about not seeing the proverbial sunny side.
For all my desires and daydreaming, I demand stability in some form or another. Right now, I just have vertigo.
I write this and I'm fighting myself-things seem very trivial when you put them in print form-I don't know why I put these things in public spaces but I have always been this way. Give me a stage and I will tell you more details than are necessary.
The number one thing Americans are obsessed with is money and while it's really easy to ignore when you have it, the absence of it can drive people into tail spins. I'm also there. I have run out of creative ways to dodge the oncoming train. Just hit me and get it over with. I have spent the past four days blanketing Kansas City in job applications. All to places that are "accepting applications" which is corporate bullshit for "We're not hiring".
I've got a funeral that I'm supposed to attend next week (found this out on Tuesday)...this not only translates to the standard set of emotions and processing that comes with funerals and the passing of someone that has been part of your life for a very long time...but also with the overarching question of "how am I going to afford to get there?" And....not even as simple as that!
If I could turn into a singular cell instead of many and commit cytokinesis I would.
The weekend of the funeral is also the weekend I"m supposed to take a family member to get gum surgery, teach the second week of a brand new after school program with my job, and sell jewelry at First Fridays which would enable me to pay my bills for the month of February.
Oh, and there's a job fair that I was told I should attend if I was serious about being hired by a particular retail store. All on that same day.
Additionally-the part time job that I thought I was hired for...the one I technically AM hired for has committed the most heinous acts of unprofessional business management I've seen to date. I'm trying to get approved for an apartment and I need a letter from them stating how many hours I will work and what wage I'll be making...I called. She put me on hold for-count them-9 minutes, never came back, never called me back and is now away at a conference until SATURDAY. What morons am I trying to work for exactly?
I thought I had found the perfect solution to my want of a part time job the other day. Too bad I'm not fluent in Corporate and instead just make an ass out of myself. I don't know why I bothered.
All of this is swirling around the core of me-the one that knows that the power of intention really does work and that if I don't get my head out of my ass I will be running from The Nothing (sans Luck Dragon) for the rest of my 20's at least and that I really do just need to take a deep breath and wait because something will surface.
I won't say I've hit bottom because I haven't. Things can always get worse. I have been at the bottom and this is not what it feels like but right now, the snow is falling heavily and I am afraid that if I breathe too hard everything will disintegrate and there will be no resolution.
I know the sun has to be out there somewhere.