Mushy Brain Syndrome

Yes folks, that's the new terminology. I think I've got a severe case of it lately. I claim no responsibility for the nonsense that shall be spilled tonight but I seem to have a case of itchy fingers and I decided that I should get on here and put them to good use. I know...sounds sensible right? heh. We'll see.

So tonight has been the night for random thoughts.

Random Thought 1:

Why do people (ok, me and a few others I've noticed), apologize for using phrasing, terminology or language that puts an emotional or spiritual spin on something that usually isn't associated with being either? If that doesn't make sense, I'll dig around for an example. I'll use myself since I'm the easiest to pick on, though some of you out there do it too (c: I, for one, catch myself, no matter how many times I tell myself I'm not going to do it, giving a sort of disclaimer for saying things that some people may find new age-ish, hippy, woo woo (sorry to steal the phrase Tim), or whatever. At the moment I'm blanking on an explicit example but whatever. I'll think of something.

My question is, why? So what if we want to talk about something common and ordinary in a way that it isn't normally spoken about? If that's how it's making us feel and we are fortunate enough to be able to put words to it, then why shouldn't we? Personally, I think it's because I'm afraid that people will internally snicker and think "yah...whatever...crazy hippy." Whether that's because I've shamefully thought of other people that way myself or because I secretly think I'm a crazy hippy or if it's because I'm still harboring some latent guilt from being raised very, very opposite of "crazy hippy" I don't exactly know.

Perhaps we are afraid of being seen as irrational, insane, unhinged or without a strong sense of "reason and logic" anymore. I pride myself on occassionally being intelligent and interesting and I think I feel like going out on philosophical limbs can put those traits in jeopardy, even though I know that going out on those limbs is what allows me the luck of being occassionally intelligent and interesting. Snake why don't you try some tail.

I am looking forward to the day when I can openly, freely and confidently talk about or mention things like the power of attraction, the laws of intention, straightening out the lines of energy or giving my chakras a good spring cleaning without having to add disclaimers, excuses, apologies or warnings beforehand. My usual behavior goes something like this..."talk talk talk talk talk...well, I think (or, I just read, or I heard). Pause. I know this is going to sound a bit out there, new age-ish whatever but I don't care. Pause. Gather thoughts. I think...talk talk talk talk. Wait for snickers, arched eyebrows or damning."

I usually get good responses, unless it's my mother, but that's a whole 'nother story.

Random Thought 2.

Why is leaving equally easy and difficult? Don't things usually weigh a little more heavily one way or the other? For me, I find myself perpetually stuck in a push and pull between staying and not staying. Not exactly leaving, just not staying. At the moment, it's black and white. I am going back to Europe. I am excited. I also feel like I am leaving in the wrong mindset though. I faced struggles here with family and extended "family" that I was not anticipating. I get it, life is full of dissappointments. And one day, I'll learn to just buck up and take it but at the moment I am afflicted by some bruised feelings and it makes me angry. There was no reason for it whatsoever but it's happened and now there's not enough time to fix it. Except, that if I really believed that, I wouldn't care that I was leaving and it wouldn't be a big deal. So tomorrow is another day and I will try in the ways that I know how to fix whatever it is I broke. Though, as these things usually are, I think I walked into something that was already broken but had been hastily thrown together with chewing gum and desperation and am now taking the blame for it falling apart again.

I spend too much time wanting people to like me. Or wanting honesty. One or the other. Hm.

Random Thought 3

Meditation. The word itself puts me in a better mood. I love it. However, over the past few months I feel like I've got a short circuit between me and the ether. Or silence. However you prefer to think of it. I sit down, I get the music going, I count my breathing. And I wait for the familiar sense of something to happen and I get nada. It's like all the components are working but they aren't talking to each other. This has been representing itself in other areas of my life, so I suppose it makes sense. Whether it's the lack of successful reflection/meditation that's causing it or if it's the other way around, I haven't deciphered yet. But it's a bit frustrating at times.

I have know that mediation/reflection/reconnecting with silence can be done without having to "formalize" it but there is something really satisfying to me about sitting down and going through the process of getting centered. I should just do yoga instead maybe.

I have been getting some work done on new art pieces, which is awesome. And really fulfilling. Especially when things seem to be working. Shh...don't tell the pieces otherwise they'll change their mind and stop cooperating. I found some cool new dye stuffs that get the job done quick and nice and that allow me to get to the more time consuming part of direct application (fancy shmancy talk for using a brush and straight dye to color the fabric), embroidery, collage and all those other fun things. I am working towards the Germany Art Residence postmark deadline so the time it all consumes can't be too much longer but if I keep working I'll reach the end soon enough (I know...stunning logic there). I just have to keep going.

And finally,

Random Thought 4

I need to find a really cool gift for an 11 year old German boy before the 14th of July and I need it to be something relatively inexpensive, packable, durable (he's a bit careless at times) and as mentioned, ultimately cool. It would be nice if it were something his sister couldn't get her hands on either. Hm. Thoughts? Anyone? Bueller? I've never been an 11 year old boy (I think thankfully) so I don't quite know what objects qualify as what I've outlined. He likes Pokemon.

Quick! Hide the tea!

Happy 4th of July. (c: Though at this moment, it's technically not the 4th anymore. It's the 5th, which is less exciting.

Regardless, I hope everyone out there had a safe and fun holiday. Mine was decent this year...better than some, not quite as cool as some of the others but generally all good.

We watched things go boom, we made some things go bang and we lit really, really giant sparklers. Still the best toy ever. (c:

I spent the beautiful sunny day having a bike ride and painting at a friend's house and then came back and ate some dinner and enjoyed some fireworks.

There's a party tomorrow evening...going to go rock that out I do believe. Hopefully (c: Lots of insanity-though I'm only going to know two people so hopefully I can make some new friends.

There is an artist residence in Germany that pays you a monthly stipend so I am frantically trying to get my stuff together for that application. It sounds amazing. It is amazing.

1200 euros a month. Fully furnished apartment complex. A chance to spend 6 months working on art. uninterrupted. Cool. (c:

Alrighty...off to bed. G'night.

If there was an onomotopoeic word for the noise my brain was making...

I'd use it. But there isn't. I have a bit too much energy it would seem.

Surprise surprise.

This is a frequent occurrence with me. The stars align, the cosmos conspire with the tides and the next thing you know, I'm bouncing off the walls.

Or it might be the five hours of painting and the hour of bellydancing I did tonight. There is something so completely intoxicating and infusing about spending time with creative people. My friend and I got together today at the local coffeeshop for some canvas manipulation. I played with oils for the first time. I like them. Let me rephrase that...I Loooooove them. I can paint and paint and paint and paint and it just keeps blending and then, guess what? I can cut more light spots into the paint and repeat the whole process!

It's amazing. I also bought this really whacky and chunky matte medium gel stuff and made one of the loudest paintings ever...I love it. It looks like a rusty wall or something with this crazy aqua blue green patina. It's really fun and I'm amused. I did it with acrylics cause I'm impatient and I wanted to create something on the fly.

Tomorrow I am going to be taking some photographs of my friend who is pregnant. She's due in 7 weeks and she wants to get some good photos done. It is a sensitive subject for me for various reasons and I'm really looking forward to digging into some great photos with her. We are going to be heading down to Westport, which is the grungy, arty, bohemian-esque, local coffee shop beat out StarBucks part of town (you know, where the art kids and the homeless people hang out together). They have some really great graffitied walls and some funky places mixed with park settings that I think would be really nice.

not that I'm a professional photographer but I can take a decent photo. I'm even going to do it with the dirty F word (film. film!) which I prefer for certain things like this. Anything that gets me more into the process I'm good with.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. I should be doing a lot of reading, jewelry making and cleaning but instead I've been doing a little of those and lots of pondering. Which is both a blessing and a curse. It can spur action as much as it can completely stop me in my tracks.

I am twenty five. I have always been of the mindset that people can do whatever they want, when they want. If you are fifty and want to change careers, I'm tempted to say you can do it if you have the right mindset and attitude. However, I am not in the popular thinking stream with this. I'm ok with all that but it's frustrating. I feel like my walls of "Do anything anytime" are slowly closing in around me, or worse, dissipating into the muggy humidity of the Midwest. I don't like the term "biological clock" or "becoming more career focused" What if I'm not concerned with having kids before I'm 30 or landing that sweet spot job that makes me a bunch of money?

More power to me right? So why do I feel sometimes like instead of being bolstered forward into my bright and shiny future without limits I'm just getting sat on and slowly squashed down by the monster of Reality?

It's a bit dramatic but it sucks. I know, in my heart, that I can live a creative life. Whatever that

means. I also know that eventually I am going to have to focus my energy on something. Whether that's my painting, my jewelry design, my interior design stuff, wedding specialty projects, playing guitar, going to a good grad school and becoming an art historian, traveling the world, etc. etc. etc.

you see my point? I'm like a synapse in an ADHD brain with too much caffeine. Boing. Boing. Boing. It's not that I don't stick with things either...I just tend to do them all at the same time. It makes for some really messy guitar strings and some really colorful art history pages.

I like the weird kinetic energy that I seem to thrive on-I know that's all that matters. I also like having lots of stuff to do so I can take a moment away from certain things without being left without a creative outlet.

I don't like being told that I'm getting too old to do this or being accused of being a freeloader (I'm really not. I'm just borrowing a bedroom with my dad for 2 months. First time in five years I haven't been paying rent, working, dealing with a car, extra curricular lessons and making art. so poo on him).

I wish there was a way of transmitting mental zen to other people so they could be happy living their lives and just as happy to let me live mine the way I want to.

I will eventually get a retirement fund. I will eventually find a "career". I will move back to the states, for an undisclosed amount of time, and focus my energy on all those important things I keep hearing about....painting, drawing, making music. I mean...rent, bills, student loans and the GRE test books.

When are some times you have felt pressure from others to change your life or your aspirations and refused to give in? It's not that all the pressures I'm getting are negative, they're just clueless. Have you encountered the same thing before? What was your response?

And lastly, since this is my blog and not twenty questions, did you find a way to make them understand or did you just find new friends?

Stolen Meme

I like Meme's....I can just answer questions. They are like the adult versions of MASH or something.

Anyway....shamelessly stolen without being invited (sorry...) from Lisa.

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Ten years ago...well...I was attending ThunderRidge High School in Highlands Ranch Colorado. I was 15. I was on the verge of having a driver's permit. I was taking AP Literature and Composition and reading a lot of books. I was an awkward kid in a lot of ways. I had just gotten braces, which I had fought against for umpteen years and finally lost the battle against. Unlike most kids, I didn't really mind them all that much. They were taken off the day of my senior prom so I lucked out. I also begged a lot. Like, a lot.

I was living with my mom (obviously) on the same street and in the same house I had been living in since I was born and I had a crazy dog that I named (at the age of 6) Pup Pup.

I worked at McDonald's because I could walk and I remember starting off making 6.15/hour and then getting a ten cent raise. I also remember being told that if I worked as much as I talked, I'd be a lot better off. I haven't ever forgotten that manager or that....it still hasn't sunk in but she was right in a lot of ways. (c:

I was a year (or almost) into knowing one of the best people in my life and almost to the point where I would meet the next best person in my life though i didn't know it. I met my best friend and was learning how to be a normal kid...I spent a lot of my childhood without friends and I was seriously missing some of the "normal kid" requirements. But I got sorted out.


Five things on your to-do list for today

1. Go to the post office to mail Lisa's necklace that she ordered from me.

2. Run to the bead store

3. Meet up with a friend and fellow artist for some afternoon painting and art class instructing

4. Get my room cleaned up again

5. Dye my fabric that has been sitting on my floor waiting...patiently...


What would you do if you were a billionaire?

This question has always annoyed and fascinated me at the same time. On one hand, it's nice to think about all the things you would do or would like to do and yet I keep wanting to say "but what about what I can do now...why can't I do these things with less money?"

To indulge, however, momentarily in the idea of having endless amounts of money, I would start off by getting my mom a new house and getting some things set up for my dad and extended family. That's a given.

I would then turn around and purchase as many untouched rainforests as i could and leave them that way. I wouldn't let Kleenex (who are a bunch of dirty bastards) cut down any more trees for their stupid tissues http://www.kleercut.com/ and I would see about working out some sort of give and take program, work issue something or other that would allow people who really do rely on certain things to make money for their families to continue to do so...but with a bit more conservation in mind instead of just greed. I'm a hippie. I know.

I would also like to dump a bunch of money into our education systems....and control where it goes and who it goes to.

In short, I'd like to take over the world. Or at least reorganize a big part of big business...but with a charming diplomatic smile on my face and a big ol' fat check waiting for whomever...it'd work. (c:

And, I have to agree with Lisa, setting up several artist retreats that were paid for or could pay the artist that weren't only for the "elite" would be amazing. Totally a life dream. One that I intend to do without having to be a billionaire first. It would help but it's not required I don't think.

What are three of your bad habits?

1. Twirling my hair when I'm idle or really worked up...i'm like a wind up toy

2. Staying up really really late

3. Losing things. You know that phrase about losing your own head if it weren't attached to you? Yeah...it was created for me.



What are some snacks you enjoy?

1. Raisinets

2. Cashews or really any kind of nuts

3. Salt and Vinegar chips

4. Trail mix

5. Fruit. Lots of fruit. Specifically of the mango, apple or pear variety.

What were the last five books you read?

1. Water for Elephants which was darn good, darnit.

2. Let's Go Eastern Europe (yeah...i actually read the whole thing)

3. Really Loud and Extremely Close

4. Memoirs of my Melancholy Whores

5. 500 Bracelets (it was more of a looking through and not a reading...but i went through all of them)

I need to read more books soon. I've been slacking. Or I'm just having alzheimers at the moment and am forgetting something.

What are five jobs you have had?

Oh God...hehe..here we go, in no particular order

1. Subway Sandwhich Artist (gag me)

2. Bartender for two nights at a crazy Mexican bar where no one spoke English

3. Waitress at a Comedy Club that was run by some really whacky brothers who have sordid histories.

4. Administrative Assistant for a construction company

5. Owner of my own very small business


What are five places where you have lived?

1, Highlands Ranch, Colorado. I grew up here, I was raised here and I stayed here for 19 years until I moved away to...Drumroll

2. Kansas City-for college. This is where I currently live. I've been here about five years and I like the city and I have a lot of really great friends who put up with me and all my eccentricities.

3. Wilhelmshaven, Germany. I lived here for about 3 months off and on doing some artwork, hanging out with some kids and all that good stuff...

4. Mersin, Turkey. I lived here for 2 months with my family prior to starting all of my travels around Europe. It might be a bit of a short amount of time to really be considered "living" but it was close enough

5. I don't think there's a fifth one...I never moved as a kid. I guess I can say Europe. I lived in and around Europe for almost 7 months. I'm a big 'ol cheater I know.


So yeah...that's it.

My Friend's Wedding

What a fantastic ceremony! My friend Deanna and her fiancee now husband James got married last night at the Uptown. Beautiful. She had an amazing photographer on site who caught some amazing photos of them at the ceremony, reception and during the pre-game scramble to get ready for everything. Great stuff.

It's strange to have my friends get married but in this situation, I think it's a really, really good match. They are both really mellow, really cool and fun people who fit together. I'm sure they will have their ups and downs like anyone or any couple but I have a really solid feeling that these two will come through to the end. I suppose we'll see. My friend said that she was excited to get started. That's a good thing to hear. I would think that is how it should be. You should be excited to start your life with someone-I have other friends who are married who are not in that place. I'm sure excitement will fade to something different but I can't see it being anything less than a much richer emotion.

Congratulations to my friends and good luck.

you can check out wedding photos here: joshsolarphoto.blogspot.com Amazing photographer and his lovely wife.

Blue Tiara

I am wearing a blue tiara at the moment. It's utterly ridiculous. I love it. It was my friend's bachelorette party this evening-we went to a place called Pin Up Bowl and went to dinner at Jose Peppers. Good stuff. We dressed her in a tutu and veil, flashy bling awful rings and beads and took her bowling. Nothin' like it. I hope to have pictures soon hehe. She is getting married on Saturday. I am one of her bridesmaids so it's been a hectic week. I've never been a bridesmaid before. I think I might actually be allergic to weddings. I've worked enough banquets and sponsered dinners to know that much. However, I must say, my friend and her wedding plans have given me hope. It's going to be an awesome gig. Good music...no Baby Got Back, Hot in Here or other crap...no lame frilly over the top lace and beads and 4,000 dollar swans with ice sculptures. Instead, we have a classy black and white ska music theme (aka checkerboard), red and orange for some awesome accent colors, interesting flowers, classy bridemaid dresses (I can actually wear it again in public) and what is aiming to be a lot of fun. I'm actually excited.

Sort of makes me wonder if and when I ever get married or decide on any of that rubbish what sort of insane concoctions I'm going to come up with. My friend has managed to keep it about her and her originality and creativity. Which is something so many weddings sorely lack.

Pardon the digression.

It looks like some of my networking has paid off. I went and talked to a gallery downtown yesterday and the lady said that she would let me come in a sell during First Fridays when all the new shows open. She also said that any time I wanted to come down on a Saturday and sell I was welcome. This is good news seeing as I am trying to make some money for my fledgling business and work towards turning it into a real business. I am also trying to get some different art projects ready and worked on to submit for some of the upcoming art shows and the such that I'm reading about but I'm sort of running out of time. I'm trying to apply all the right tactics to get things done but sometimes it's easy to get things spread a little thin around here.

I am currently focusing on getting things for the wedding squared away without breaking my bank account entirely (it's not my wedding. I shouldn't go into debt) and get things ready and prepared for my upcoming artist residence and return to Europe.

I have mixed feelings in some ways about going back. I think that's part of being home for me though...when I'm here I keep looking for that thing whatever it is, that will make me feel like I'm part of a family here. Really and truly. Not that I don't think I have a place or that I'm not loved..I'm not emo or 14 anymore, I know I have those things...I just wish that I felt more integrated. More like I had an impact on things when I'm here I guess. Maybe it's ego. Maybe it's not. Maybe I'm imagining a false sense of importance to the family I work with overseas or maybe I approach my own family with such bias, such tinted views on reality that I can't see the proverbial forest.

Maybe it's really just them. I like that answer. Leaves me with my hand well out of the cookie jar.

There is a new book out called "Who's Your City"-I was hearing about it today on NPR. They were talking about various personality types, cities that fit those types and where the different types of people tend to gravitate. While I'm not usually a fan of compartmentalizing people (or anything really) I think there is some validity to what the book is talking about. I am going to be dealing with where to land when I come back from Estonia/Germany (going to be living in stuttgart...light years better than Wilhelmshaven).

I want to find a place where the energy fits me. I want to find my frequency. I don't necessarily have to stay there for the rest of my life or whatever but I am aiming to find a solid place to land where I feel comfortable making art, making a home (for however long), etc. I really like a lot of things about Kansas City. I care a lot about the people that I know here, the things that I've gotten to do and experience while living here, etc. I don't know if it will be where I set up in the end but I'm open to the idea. I know that for me a huge factor is going to be how creative I feel I can be here. Both in my profession and practice and in my life. I want to be challenged.

What has influenced where you live? Family? friends? career? gut instict?

I'm curious how and why some of you out there found your way to where you are now and what that means to you and what you think the future holds.

Blogging for boredom...

I'm bored. I know, it's cliched.

I had a pretty good Tuesday actually. More specifically, it's been a productive week so far and we're only two days in...this is good.

I did a lot of research about some different Calls for Artists and the such and found some really cool sounding stuff. There is an art pool in San Francisco that is looking for artists to do some commissions for the San Francisco Airport Terminal 2 that they are remodeling. I think some large scale Fiber pieces would be perfect. They want 10 images of your work. I have ten images, I just have to beef up the fiber element of it since I either usually end up selling my fiber pieces or not photographing them because they are difficult to do justice. Unless you have a professional, which would be nice, but I'm all out of those at the moment. I do have a really nifty camera though so that might help (c:

I ordered some cool new dye stuff from my favoritest (hehe) website ever, Dharma trading company. Good stuff. Love their products and their website is great. Anyway, I ordered some stuff and it's being rocketed towards me as we speak (I'm sure...) and it should be here in a few days. I can then turn the upstairs laundry room into a dye kitchen for about an hour and hopefully have the basis for some cool new art stuffs. We'll see how it goes. I have been wanting to sit down and play with some stuff for a while. Mess around with some watercolors or something. I dunno. Silkpainting is a great way to get some cool results too.

I have promised myself that I am going to go back to the writing process at the end of the week. Life has a strange way of hitting you with things all at the same time and while I have no real excuse, its been its own process getting back into the country and all. It happens. I'm ok with it.

I had my kung fu class tonight which is always a really nice outlet for things. I am really aiming to get my next rank before I go back to Europe. I want to be able to move on and work on some different things and it's been a bit too long between rankings I think. I also feel much more ready, much more like a martial artist than I have in the past. One of those life lesson things I've learned or have begun to learn I believe while I was traveling around having to not only depend on me but trust me. They seem like the same thing but there are shades of meaning that seperate them.


I have let a few other things slide in the recent past...not so much a good thing, but I'm working on it. At the moment I'm waiting to get some more money in so I can sit down and repost a lot of my jewelry to my Etsy site...at the moment there's nothing up there I don't think. Which isn't good. Things like that need to stay active and that requires having objects to show. I think I am going to start doing my commission pieces via them to generate some sales and show a number under "sold" pieces. Perhaps that will help my store become more recognizable by the search engines so I get more traffic. I need to do some marketing too...but that costs money sometimes. (c: I have some nifty postcards, I just have to make sure they get up around town.

If any of you know, need or want some cool jewelry, wedding stuff, last minute gifts, give me a hollar, I can email images of my work and or direct you to a site that will show you my work upon request. :D

I'm going to be posting my reading list in a few days here I think, I've just about finished up my last book for this part of the month. May I spent scattered and not doing much of anything except trying to get back in the swing of things (only to leave again in July but whatever..)