Finding the border balance

So, this week marks the second official week after the KC Fringe Festival. What a crazy ride that was for me and everyone else involved.

Last year, I participated in the Fringe Festival as a volunteer. I was shuffled from venue to venue taking tickets, seating people, learning how to tech (!!) a space for the Youth Fringe members and generally running around.

If some of you were reading this blog back then, you'll probably remember me squawking about the lack of direction and general "in chargness" that the Visual Arts Fringe portion had...well, turns out when you squawk loudly enough, you get hired! And thus began the journey of organizing and herding (yes, like cows and sheep and other various farm animals) all the Visual Artists for the Festival this year.

Mind you, I can't organize my car. I don't keep a budget. I hardly remember what day it is sometimes. But, off to organizing I was. And overall, I think (think) it turned out pretty well. I was in a constant state of panic and general frenzy the whole time but aside from the impending sense of "oh god what am I doing", it was fun and a great learning experience.

Almost all of the artists were fantastic to work with. They put in a lot of additional hours to help hang, clean and dismantle all of the odds and ends that it takes to hang 21 artists in a room that is, suddenly, not as big as you thought it was when you agreed to the venue.

There were challenges with working with that many people-there always will be-but I think I at least learned a few valuable lessons about learning to listen while still drawing boundaries around which bits people say actually matter and which don't.

I also got a taste of what it means to try and fit a bunch of egos in one place. Wow. Let me tell you, there are some people in this world who need a whole room just to contain how much they think of themselves and the work they make....not to mention the work itself!

Egads. It took a lot for me to not remind certain people that yes, you have a lot of work and no, it's not all worth hanging. In fact, I would argue that most of it was pretty pointless. Ahem. I can't say that though. Not really. At least not to most people's faces. I just don't understand people who spend more time talking about their work than they do making the stuff. It seems, in most cases, at least, that their time could be better spent.

On the other hand, we had some really good work up too. This year marked a successful turnout for artists in general. The plays were great-one of our local UMKC directors put out another stellar performance called "Head" which was a sordid, sexually charged, awesome retelling of the St. John The Baptist and Solome story. Really great. 90 minutes, straight through with no intermission and some really gritty scenes that I appreciated for the honesty above all else.

Hats off to the actors as well-they busted their asses to make that play work and will continue to bust their asses until the work is deemed finish by the director/writer.

But, back to my group. As I said, we had some really great artists show this year. It makes me very excited for who is going to return and who will come out of the woodwork for next year. If we can continue to blast the quality of artists through the atmosphere like we did this year-we'll be well on our way to being taken seriously in this Festival. "Beginner gains" though can be deceptive. As the quality goes up it'll get harder and harder to out do ourselves from year to year. It's that sort of catch 22 that lets you rocket to a good middle ground but then simultaneously lose and gain ground as you try to break into the "Really Good" category. The ever elusive box called "Successful."

For those of you who aren't familiar with Fringe or the theories behind it, you can go here: www.kcfringe.org and check out the "what's the fringe" page. It gives you a brief background and history on how the Fringe got its start.

Other cities also put on some really fantastic Fringes of their own-Minneapolis and Boulder are just two examples that come to mind. I'm hoping to go out there one of these days and see how they do it-but for now I"ll have to entertain myself with their websites and learn everything I can from talking to positively everyone I can to learn as much as I can between now and next year.

And yes, that means learning how to listen to those people who have been around long enough to build up giant egos and may not make the kind of art that I would make or do make (hopefully) but who have some invaluable experience and connections that make the overall experience of Fringe richer and more....possible.

I'll have pictures of this experience up shortly I do believe. I just have to bring myself to go through all of them. (c:

Masters, Margaritas and Demanding People

Sorry for the long hiatus. I've been..well...busy. (c:

The life of an artist is never dull I guess. I've had projects and things like my real job trying to drown me.

I should learn how to say no.

I have found time to read some outstanding books, though. That's a plus. I've been turned onto some Russian literature by a co-worker of mine and it's really fantastic. This particular co-worker is actually Russian so I've been able to go directly to a source and say "what is this referencing?" It's been great.

My first venture into this wide world of wonderful stories was called "The Master and Margarita." It's by Mikhail Bulgakov. Once I got into the flow of things and figured out who everyone was and what all their nicknames and professional names and surnames and the such were, I found the story to be really engaging. It's a politically charged near satire of 1930's Russia. Sort of. And a love story. And a commentary on what it means to be creative. And philosophical. And spiritual.

There are a handful of main characters, one of which is Satan. The Devil himself shows up in Moscow on a spring day and begins to wreak havoc in a very distracting and anti-theme of the times way. (What's not to love already?!?)

The tone is at times deadly serious but there is always a subtle undercurrent of irony. The book is divided into two sections: the first deals with one of the main characters (not Satan) named Ivan Ivanovich who is a writer. The second deals with Margarita-a woman who has fallen in love with a man who calls himself The Master. The Master was/is a writer and has written a book on Pontius Pilot. It causes him to fall out of favor with the government and gets him committed to an insane asylum. Meanwhile, Ivanovich's tale begins with him as he witnesses the death of his friend, Berlioz, (which was prophesied to happen by the Devil himself during a conversation in a park) and sort of goes off the deep end. Ivanovich ends up in the same looney bin as The Master. It's a beautiful commentary on what it means to be "insane" in a time when freedom was a dirty word. Mix all this in with the "real time" telling of the events surrounding Pontius Pilot(pitched at times as part of the manuscript The Master wrote and at times as current day events) and a prophet named Yeshua as well as a very intense demonic ball towards the end of the story and you have an experience that is unlike anything I've read all wrapped up with a cleverly designed cover.

Reading The Master and Margarita and then trying to explain it is a bit like trying to talk about a dream that you had three years ago but that you still have vivid recollections of...or like trying to explain what exactly it is you're seeing when you catch something out of the corner of your eye but isn't actually there when you turn around.


All of those things cause very real, emotional memories and the general sense of an "experience" but when you have to find words to give light and structure and concreteness to them, they begin to vaporize. I could give a very long and drawn out plot synopsis but it would ruin the story while simultaneously completely failing at conveying what the story is "about".

It's a book where what it's about is not just related to the story that is being told. It's about the experience of the book. It's about all the things that were going on historically when the book was written. It's about the fact that-to quote the book-"handwritten manuscripts don't burn"-which in an age of nothing but propaganda (both now and then) is such a beautiful thought that it could make me cry if I thought about it long enough. The character that says it in the book makes it all the more powerful of a statement.

My second venture into Russian literature is Boris Pasternak's "Dr. Zhivago". I tried to read this book once, when I was 14, and it went straight over my head. I'm thrilled to have the chance to settle into it this time though, now that I'm more prepared. Russian literature isn't something you just sort of accidentally read.

Here's a random tidbit. I got interested in The Master and Margarita through a play that was put on by the grad students at UMKC. My first experience with Dr. Zhivago was the movie with Omar Shariff (spelling?) and Julie Christie. I'm named after her character-I'm excited to see how the book tells their story versus what Hollywood did with it. I can already tell that things are going to be very different.

The demanding people mentioned in this post's title are managing to pull me away from all this great reading (which hasn't just included Russian lit but also some really great, fun, entirely indulgent fantasy novels I've been reading) and it's beginning to grate.

I get that as someone who is trying to make an established name for themselves and their work that you have to take on projects to gain experience. My beef comes in when people pitch a project to you, drag their feet for 5 months (5!!!), and then suddenly crack down with demands of an expected due date. Oh, and did I mention they have started telling everyone but you, their designer, that they have all sorts of functionality expectations? The poor messenger that's been working with me directly on the project is not really to blame for any of this poor planning...but it's still just a crock.

The thing that really kills me is how little compensation is involved. If they were paying me like a standard client would pay me, I could see them getting a little demanding. But they aren't. They aren't even close. I was fine with this until now. Augh. Pft.

To end on a less gripe-y note: I am the Visual Arts Director for the KC Fringe Festival this year. I'm excited about all the potential and new endeavors! I've got a long "To Do" list for it but I think I can knock a good portion of the really important stuff out in a few concerted hours of work.

Well-it's late. As always. And the weather has been beautiful and I got new road bike cleats and shoes today and I intend to go a-riding. Clear out some of the stress and insanity that keeps trying to accrue like debt and plaque in my brain.

Just passing through....

So I went back to the source to see what sparked the response I found on Full Throttle and F**k It: Losing It

It got me thinking, which is always a good thing and I think I have to post. For those of you who would rather just have me tell you what the original post was about, too bad! Go read those two really great blogs! I'll wait........

done yet?

Alrighty...

I think I have to beg to differ on some of this and I have to offer a "new" idea or two of my own.

Creative folks like to talk about "it"- the magic, the thing that keeps them going, their muses, etc. They (we?) talk about it like it's a tangible, concrete object that we've somehow inherited or found lying in the gutter. We look at it like it's a big secret that only a select few of us have managed to find...and then when they lose "it" they either hang up the brushes, or they put up the pens or walk away from their novel or whatever. Some of the more attention starved ones choose to openly mope about how they used to be this or that and some tend to go sit quietly in a corner and wait it out and some choose to kill themselves.

So this is where I start to get a little...argumentative.

I don't think that there is a magic inherent to artists-at least not in the sense that most people consider. I think it comes down to something more universal-perhaps passion, or perspective. I say passion because a person without at least a shred of passion could very easily fall into the same holding patterns as all these artists who chose to end their lives early. Any person, mind you, without at least some interest in what the next day holds, or what the next month holds or the next minute holds, can find themselves considering some pretty drastic measures, just to shake things up a bit. People express their passion or at least interest in life in lots of different ways, some creatively, some not. We're all familiar with this-you dress a certain way, you order a decadent dessert just for the fun of it, you go on vacation to a place you love or a place you've never been, etc. etc.

Some people choose to paint. Or write. Or draw. Or sing. Or write music. They choose to express their passion or interest or opinions in things/life in a more direct way. I argue that it's when they become jaded towards their life or their environment that they begin to think they've lost the ephemeral creative "it".

You see it all the time. Artists stop creating because they stop caring. It happens to people all the time, it's just more noticeable by the time you've gotten famous enough to see your name in print, in lights or on an award or two here and there. It's also different because when you break through the fourth wall the exists between those who are famous and those who are not, everyone has an opinion on what you're doing. So if you have a bad day or year or month and you put work out anyway and it doesn't jive with the perception of what your work should be, people start to accuse you of losing "it" when really, maybe you just didn't care about the flowers as much this year as you did last year for whatever reason.

So let's say an artist stops caring and therefore stops creating. They haven't lost the spark that makes them creative, or talented. They could still sit down and draw the pants off anyone that challenges them probably, or outsing the best contestant on American Idol (idle...) or whatever-but they don't. Because they're over it.

Sometimes this can feel like they've lost their spark when really they're just bored. Thinking of the magical, artistic "it" lets people off the hook-it makes it seem like they have some special vision that makes the world more interesting or more exciting to them-so much that they just have to sit down and paint a picture of it in an attempt to convey that magic. I think the reality is that staying engaged in life enough to where things really do seem that intriguing takes work. Lots of work.

It's the same problem most adults have I think-you look at kids and most things are new and exciting because well, they haven't lived long enough to figure out the tricks behind the magic-as adults we come to expect certain things-cause and effect. Beautiful sunsets, etc. If those things are going to remain surprising and engaging, we have to choose to treat them as though they are new and exciting and different. It takes a great deal of effort sometimes I think to remind ourselves to stay engaged. Whether that means that we're going to wake up every morning and just make an effort or whether that means we're going to wake up and sit down at our respective Muse Centrals and "do" something with what we see or feel, is entirely up to us.

The other thing that you need to consider is that people have different desires to do things. I'll use my friends as examples. I have friends who are artists and friends who are creative and friends who are practical and all these things....each one of them is plugged in and engaged in life-they just desire to express that connection differently than, say, me. So some of us choose to paint and play with silks because we get really excited about the colors of the sunset last week-some of them choose to sit down and code some really complex computer languages because they just care how things work. But we're all plugged in to life. If my computer coding friends woke up one morning and suddenly didn't give a damn, they wouldn't lament that they had lost their ability to create code. They wouldn't think of it as having lost their "it". They would probably either relax and wait until something new developed technologically that got them excited or they would go back and revisit some of their older stuff to see if they could make it better or whatever.

Two more points and then I'll move on I promise:

One of the points that Steve brought up (which you all know 'cause you read his post...ahem. (c: ), is that perhaps Hemingway should have waited it out, spent less time concerning himself with what was, etc. etc. I couldn't agree more, but I think it has to do with social context. At the time that Hemingway and Jack London and all them were having their breakdowns, it wasn't socially acceptable to talk about your feelings, really (maybe moreso with Jack London's time, but he was a notorious drunk who, I think, personally, just got lucky...and wasn't real stable to begin with..), and I don't think the same essential skills of socially taking a break, or working through a tough period, etc. etc. had been instilled.

I'm reading "Lila" right now by Robert Pirsig and he talks about how the rebels following the Victorian era who were against all the stuffy reason, logic, manners and pomp of the times were able to rebel against it without any negative impacts on the overall society because they had been raised with an inherent social structure. They had a certain level of moral quality (his words, not mine) instilled in them and therefore the overall societal structure didn't suffer because of their personal rebellion. So fast forward to today-we have all that inherent, societal "talk it out", "processing," "closure", "becoming more centered" , dialogue programmed into us, whether we want it or not really, and therefore are better equipped to just wait out the tough periods, or change our focus, etc...Picasso didn't have that luxury. And he was clinically insane, without the same level of coping or medical help available to those of us today, so societally I think the odds were against these guys being able to work through their ennui.

Or perhaps they really were just sparks of genius that have gone out of existance. I don't know.

In the case of Johnny Cash, I think he was fortunate enough to live through the time periods that dicatated that you made it big and then you faded away-and he was blessed with enough internal flexibility to recognize the opportunities he had when he had them. He went back to what he cared about-the guitar and the lyrics and the music and the act of doing what he did. It stopped becoming about what his previous songs had become and kept being about what he was probably chasing to begin with-the passion for playing the guitar.

I could be wrong-there is such a thing as doing things purely because you are an opportunist and you're blessed with the talent to pull some things off better than others and there ya go, paycheck at the end, a little bit of fame, some comback action and your equation for success is completed. But I prefer to think that some of the really ingenious, creative people out there, aren't quite that....corporate...in their creations.

So, to bring all this to an end-talent will carry you a long ways, so will love of fame and the desire to be the center of attention-but when it comes down to it, you have to care about what you're doing and that takes work. It's a lifestyle and not an "it" that is always out of reach or always threatening to dissappear. You either have the drive to keep caring or you don't.

It's the whole "the unexamined life is not worth living" thing-you have to care enough to peek under the rock and let that curiosity drive you to express what you see in whatever way comes naturally.

I'll put my soapbox away for now.

Oh my

it's been a while hasn't it?

I don't have internet at my house so it makes posting into the wee hours a bit more difficult. Anyway-I'm sitting at the office right now working on some things for tomorrow morning and it occurred to me that while I'm here I could be posting. I'm printing and I've got everything queued up for the next round-just have to wait for technology to do its thang.

The Fringe Festival was a success I do believe-there was some confusion and a lot of improv and required flexibility but I sold lots of jewelry (almost 400 dollars!) and I got to show some new work and stuff like that...always a plus. I also had some jewelry on display for the fashion show this year which was pretty cool. I had a good time too-there were a lot of cool people and despite having to sell jewelry in the parking lot of the venue instead of inside where we all thought we were going to be set up...(as I said, mandatory flexibility) things went well. I had a fantastic designer next to me who not only let me borrow one of their lights so people could actually see what they were shopping for but let me run around in the most gorgeous little shrug I've ever seen for the whole night. Hehe. It was a good time. There was 3 dollar Boulevard beer which was awesome and overall, it worked out pretty well.

I may have found myself a position on the visual arts committee for next years Fringe too...oops. I talk a lot and I have lots of opinions which is not always a good thing I know, but whatever. It needed to work better and I think I could help with that. The kid they had doing it this year got bombarded with two different equally demanding jobs for the Festival and on top of all that, he was getting his ass chewed for not having any information to really give to the artists. So yeah, it needs to have a seperate person in charge. Visual artists-we can be hard to work with, ya know...(c:

I also managed to get the show up at Black Dog Coffee Shop set up. Phew. That was a crazy dash. Remind me to have "spare art" on hand so next time I can just hang stuff and not have to do everything from scratch. Oy.

In other news-been getting some good freelance projects here and there which is good. You can check out my latest creation at: www.maxfearingart.com It's a site I did for a friend of mine who is a local artist. We're trying to get him some web recognition. It's getting there-currently it's a work in progress still but it's on its way. I also did a little bit of work for another friend of mine that I work with....jewelry commissions have been coming in since the Fringe as well. Not enough to pay the bills or buy the totally adorable, must have building that I want in Parkville but ya know. I'll take what I can get. If anyone wins the Powerball and wants to buy me a storefront, you know where to find me. (c:

I'm heading out to Colorado in September to go mountain biking with my boyfriend. It should be a lot of fun. There's a beer fest going on in downtown Denver too that we're going to hit up. That'll be a nice cap to our week out in the mountains camping and biking. Hopefully I don't actually kill myself hehe. We've been going out to a place called Landahl Park in Blue Springs, MO lately that has some really good mountain bike type trails. I know, I live in Kansas, there are no mountains, but this place does a really good job. All naturally cut trails that have lots of technical sections and lots of cool stuff to ride. I dig it a lot. I got a little banged up this weekend but no real battle scars. I was sort of disappointed. (c:

The weather has been crazy hot. I swear God was trying to come through my window last night....it was actually some severe lightening. I really did think that the generator outside my window had been struck....scared me half to death. Today was beautiful-I guess it got all of it out of its system.

Alrighty. Not much else at the moment to really report per se. Just trying to get as much playing outside done as possible as of late. (c: And spending lots of time at the coffee shop trying to get some things finished up so I can free up my time and maybe take on a real project here and there.

I've been reading lately too but that's another post all by itself. It will give me some incentive to post more regularly if I leave it for later. hehe. Hopefully at least.

I'm doing it again.

I'm finding ways to get over busy so I don't have to focus on re-focusing. (c: Go figure that one out.

I mean-this time it's not just random nonsense-it's business stuff in a lot of ways. I just feel like I'm spending a lot of damn money lately. Art crap is expensive and it's killing me to know that I have a lot of perfectly good stuff living in a garage in Colorado that I can't get my hands on. Not that I really have a ton of place to keep all that stuff right now-it's sort of a lot. It needs it's own house at the moment.

And I feel like certain things are on repeat since one of my art supply bearing packages exploded after arriving to the States and now my stuff is in random cities in random states with no way to get back to me. I don't know if it literally exploded but a friend of mine got a book belonging to me in the mail....she lives in New Orleans....right.

I've got a long to-do list tomorrow-most of which should be classified under "fun errands to run" meaning that I am going to go find some sort of table that I can use for storage and decorative purposes, I'd like to peruse the options for comforters and see what I can find-not really the best time since I'm going to have some bills hitting in a bit and well, I've only had 2 paychecks so far so yeah...not the most opportune moment to run out and buy stuff. I have things that work very nicely right now and I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

I did splurge and get a haircut. w00t.

I also need to run and get some supplies since I'm going to have a busy busy month in December it looks like. Tomorrow is going to be a hopefully not too expensive day but I will definitely be leaking money in different places.

I've discovered that I really dig Polyclay. Good stuff. Stinky. Sticky. But really fun. And cost effective! (read: cheaper than buying beads...I can do this!)

I am hunting for some more Christmas Commissions-if you know anyone who needs that special something, hit me up. I'd be glad to help out. (c: I'm cheap. And easy. :D

Moving past the shameless plug-I've landed a few good gigs for the beginning of December and am now looking into filling the rest of the month with things that could potentially make me some money. I"m also beginning to compile my christmas lists and figure out who I need to shop for and all that fun stuff.

I've also been jonesin' to get my hands on some painting time. I'm no painter and I know that but I like to do it so why the heck not.

My friend had an early Thanksgiving Dinner-his theory is to do it before everyone is sick of Turkey. Hehe. It was good stuff. I ate some awesome food, drank some beer, hung out with some friends and then stuck around afterwards, helped clean up a bit and then made some jewelry with my friend. It was a good night.

I have nothing of utmost importance to talk about tonight I'm realizing-I've just been setting some goals and trying to work towards them. Including spending more time crafting good "being at home habits"...some of which are working. Some of which aren't. It's a weird time.

Anyway-I'm sure I set out to say something important but sometimes just writing to write is a good cathartic experience. It gets the brain going in a different way and makes me feel, at least, that I've talked something out even if I never really got around to what that was. It's a good method for getting a new perspective on the same old same old.

I'm going to bed-I really do have lots of stuff I need to be doing and sitting up at 1:30 in the morning talking about how much I have to do and waiting for some ephiphany to strike is probably not the best way to go about doing things.

So.

Goodnight.

To: The Economy From: Me

Dear Economy,

You haven't been looking well lately. In fact, I'd say you've been looking a little peakish. I'm worried about you. I think you need a rest. Sometimes starting over is the best option. It gives us a chance to rebuild and re-evaluate from the inside.

Change can be a good thing. I know it's hard to be the one who gets abandoned, being left brokenhearted and alone but you'll come through this. Lehman Brothers, Washington Mutual, all of those who are now gone, they weren't your real friends anyway. They were just smoke and mirrors, you're too good for them. You need substance in your life, real options that are backed by real promises, not empty words.

You're going through hard times, I understand. A lot of us understand, but we need you. You can't give up now, no throwing in the towel. It's time you took stock, figure out where you want to be in ten years and start moving forward. I'm not here to tell you what you already know, but sometimes we all need to be picked up by our bootstraps.

I'm also not here to tell you that the worst is over, it isn't. But if we pull together we can look towards a brighter, greener future. Things will be alright. We just have to keep a little perspective. You've been abused-taken for granted, even taken advantage of-you were pushed too far over the edge by those who didn't know how to appreciate you for you but it'll soon be over and you can show them what you're made of. It's time to get back to some of those old time values, don't just lay yourself down for every person with a pretty smile that comes along, have some pride. You have a choice who you invest your time and energy in.

So, why don't you come over to my place, we'll have some tea, I hear England's coming to see how you're doing and we can figure this all out. And that deficit everyone's talking about? Don't let it bother you too much. Just ignore all those hateful, hopeless words. You'll figure out how to get it paid off eventually. It'll be hard, you've been living in a virtual world for so long but recovery is possible. Even the best of us fall on hard times. So, buck up, take a deep breath and get ready to start a new chapter in your life, capitalize on some hard lessons learned and we'll see if the sun doesn't start to shine through those rain clouds.

Sincerely,

Me.

Idle Times

Ok, so I have chicken pox. Of all things. I thought it was measles at first but it tricksed me. Tricksy little viruses. Regardless, I look like Swamp Thing but it's all fine. Aesthetics aside, it's getting better. If my face falls off, well, that'll just make for a really interesting weekend.

Anyway-As I've been laying around in bed the past...week?...I've been doing a lot of thinking about this little election we're facing. Ok, so I know I'm probably late to jump on the bandwagon-I haven't been doing my rounds as usual, frankly, I haven't been doing much of anything, but I'm going to add my voice to whatever mix is out there.

I'm pissed.

I've been pissed for eight years. I've waited for eight years. And I am not about to stand here, lie here, sit here, whatever, and watch another pig-headed, foolish ass run the country. Regardless of what side of the line we stand on politically I don't think there's a single person right now who can say that they are really, truly happy with the state of things. You look at the anniversaries that have come and gone, Katrina, 9/11 and you have to wonder-what have we done with the time we've been given? Not a damn thing.

We have a city still in ruins because our government cares more about feeding their fat faces than repairing peoples lives.

We have memorials to commemorate people who died and what have we accomplished? If any of you are conspiracy theorists than perhaps you join me in a bit of wry smiling and head shaking, but regardless (or perhaps as Bush would say, irregardless..), we can throw up pretty memorials and say a bunch of nice, empty words and yet our actions, our ACTIONS show that we don't really give a damn. I'm sick of claiming a society that is so smug and so busy being pleased with ourselves over nothing that we can't smell our own bullshit.

I'll tell you something, the only reason Gustav got coverage was because it damaged oil sources, not because thousands of people were losing their lives as it ravaged across the seas-not because it threatened an already hobbling New Orleans. No, it got attention because of Oil.

We are drunk on it. We are gorged on it. I'm surprised it doesn't bleed out of the assholes in Washington every time they sit down. There has got to be a better solution.

People can throw around big words like Off Shore Drilling and Alaskan Tundra and Global Market but what it really boils down to is a quick fix. Nothing that is sucked out of this dehydrated earth today is going to affect our market before five, ten, fifteen, maybe twenty years. I'll be 45 in twenty years, at that point, I plan on being car free, living in a house that actually saves energy, running my business and going from there. Not stuffing my gas guzzling car full of more dirty, desperately endangered natural resources.

If I'm really honest, I am terrified, more than I can express with any word in any language, or any of the images I draw or paint, for the state of our environment. We live here, if we want to continue to do that, we have to change. And I mean, really, in our hearts and in our guts, change.

There is this word that people seem to be allergic to these days...it's called Responsibility. I'm not going to preach, we're all adults, we all know the meaning of this word. The problem is everyone seems afraid to do anything with it. Afraid or apathetic. I'm not sure which anymore.

To become an oil free nation is going to take time. The world and the global economy would come crashing down around our feet tomorrow if we pulled oil off the market right this second. We'd have bigger problems than Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and The Lehman Brothers to worry about, that's for sure. But to really, actually realize the reality that everyone keeps talking about, we're going to have to start now. Not 4 years from now, not 8 years from now, but NOW.

Germany has the right idea-the other day I helped to clean out some moving boxes. We came across old cassette tapes that we have no player to listen to them with anymore...so instead of dumping the whole thing in the trash, we took the cassettes out of their cases, put the cases in the yellow sack (which is the best invention ever...more in a minute) and put the rest in the "trash". All of it will be recycled. No rewards. No gimmicks. No expensive monthly fees to pay. Just done. Over, simple. No problem. Recycling is inherent in peoples lives here. To the point where the country can take other countries garbage and dispose of it for them.

Imagine if America actually got off its fat ass and tried that? Tried actually putting clear, functional, affordable recycling tools in peoples homes. The yellow sack idea is fantastic if you ask me. It's a bag, and it's yellow. Hence the name. And in it you put anything that qualifies as packaging. Plastic wrappers, casings, boxes, you name it, in the bag. And then you set it out on your curb like normal trash twice a week and it goes away. Into the blue yonder to be recycled in a clean and generally efficient manner. How hard is this? We're one of the biggest societies in the world and we can't figure out how to quit dumping our shit into the oceans and the landfills and streets? It's pathetic and it's sickening.

Germany also utilizes bio-tons. All biological food items (peelings, egg shells, small bits of leftovers) go into a trashcan looking container and taken to the giant compost heap. There's no smell, there's no unsightly anything, it's just a better way of processing waste. It's not that difficult.

Alas, things like this require that people set down their Blackberrys and their Starbucks Latte's *who really could do better and use 100 percent recycled cups instead of 60%. They have more money than god....it would probably improve their economic efficiency in the long run.* and DO something that takes a few extra seconds out of their day. More specifically, people need to put aside their bloated Egos that says they are more important than every other living creature on this planet and take a minute. Figure out how to carpool. Look into setting up a car share program in their city *which I'm going to look into once I'm back in the States. If I have to call the Wisconsin government and ask them, "How did you set up your rideshare?" I will. It can't be that hard. It would do wonders for our fuel and energy consumption though.

Ok, so in case you can't tell, I'm a bleeding heart hippy Liberal and I'm damn proud of it. I have a friend who is a Republican..we've been friends for almost 11 years. Friendship is deeper than politics and we've agreed to disagree on a lot--however, I care too much about this election to let it slip through our fingers again.

To win I think we need, above all, unity. We need to get behind our candidate and show that age does not equal wisdom. That throwing a pretty pair of tits up in front of the cameras who also happen to have a mouth and a brain attached to them is not the answer we're looking for when we say "We need change". It isn't about gender anymore. That Ace was already played and pocketed by Clinton. It's about reform. It's about motivation. I don't think John McCain can motivate anyone to do anything different than they are already doing. Which is the last thing anyone needs. Because what we've been doing isn't working. Someone remind me, what's the definition of Insanity again?

We think in terms of money, not honesty or environment unfortunately. Global Warming only became popular when we began to realize that it was costing us extra money (in the form of taxes, higher costs of living, the buzzword energy prices)...and it was hurting the environment. Ok, so money got our attention--the environments state has held it because the link between the two has been formed--now lets do something about it. Let's help both ourselves and the planet...which really should be first because as the saying goes...."Your last suit doesn't have any pockets." You can make all the money in the world and none of it will matter when we're dead. When that fate arrives on our doorstep has a lot to do with the changes and decisions we make today.

Clean air and water and all that other important stuff doesn't have any impact on people anymore. It's taken for granted. We've never had to suffer blindness because of contaminated drinking water like some countries. We should be grateful for that. Because at this rate, someday, we might. Ok, so all of that aside--you can't march around with signs in your hand that say "Save the Planet" and expect to spark change anymore. You can't yell and scream in public and expect to be heard. You have to do the hardest thing anyone can do....you have to change and you have to make sure other people know you've changed and lead by example.

There's a fine line between leading and flaunting but really, I think we could all manage. I have friends who truly have made lifestyle changes that are suited towards the environment. They get their groceries from a local KC Farming Collective. They built a house that uses the heat from the earth to stay warm. Every piece of wood in their home was set to be thrown away or burned and they salvaged it, reclaimed it and reused it. They did a lot of the work themselves instead of hiring out other people to do it for them, they bought appliances and items that conserve energy.

You don't have to go to that extreme necessarily but there are things you can do in your day to day life, more than just changing your lightbulbs or unplugging your appliances before you go to bed that can really make an impact. And that can show to the public and to the politics in a big way that we are ready to start down the road towards a future we can actually be proud to be part of.


We have big, scary issues facing our lives right now, threatening the very day to day routines that we take for granted. But only if we let it. If we can step away from our obsession with money and oil, if we can look to the other side of Privilege and see what Could Be, if we can stop fooling ourselves and start sacrificing, changing, revamping whatever you want to call it, the way we live our lives, then we can start to talk about renewable energy. Foreign Policy. Education. Above all, education.

In my belief, it starts with us before it starts with Politics but putting Obama in office wouldn't be a bad first step. 0:D That's just one liberals opinion.

In the end, though, it really comes down to what we do as a people. Not as Republicans or Democrats. We get too attached to labels in our society. We are all just people-and as people we have a responsibility to do what we can today. Take back the marionette strings and see what can happen.

Frequency and Tone

I'm not talking about music but close enough.

I'm talking about language.

Each language operates at it's own frequency or tone-the trick to learning languages then, i think, is not to do what I've tried to do and beat yourself over the head with grammar and all that other junk...(ok...so it's not a bad place to start, structure is important too darnit) but to get a few of the basic words and then just listen...a lot. But it's more than that too...I am not sure I can really get to the heart of what I'm trying to say, except to point out some of the obvious things and go from there.

Mainly, you cannot overlay your knowledge of one language on top of another. Maybe with some that are closely related, but say with Turkish (my addiction), it's nearly impossible. I know this, logically, and yet the tone and frequency of English is so ingrained...I know how to manipulate English, how to be funny, how to be professional or intelligent (sometimes) or whatever....I can say with relative confidence that I use my language well.

The trick for me now is to turn that part of my brain off and really figure out how to do the same thing with other languages...German is easier. I am proud to say that on the right day and without the kids yakkin' at me a mile a minute I will just start a sentence in German and pull from my resource until I hit a block...I don't have to sit there and think for three hours about what I want to say or how to say it, I just start to say it.

Therein lies a distinction as well...being able to pull from a source and having to filter it through your own language first or being able to pull directly from that source...that's the beauty of being around kids. You start to associate the things you hear with what they do because overall, they are not spewing Shakespeare they are just talking about the basic things.

A few months back I put down the Elementary Turkish book (hard as it was...i'm surprised it hadn't printed itself on my hands) and said, Ok, enough of that. I started chatting with a friend of mine...she speaks no English and my Turkish is hardly rudimentary but whatever. I found an online turkish dictionary for when I really get stuck and I started to try.

I had a few moments where the other person didnt understand a word of what I said, and I would have to try again...but generally I could be understood.

THe problem is that I'm speaking at the wrong frequency...rather, I'm typing at the wrong frequency. I catch myself all the time trying to use Turkish like English like I said and it doesn't work. They have no word for the verb "to have" for cryin' out loud..hehe.

Some things work out alright but you can tell from reading my IM's that it's a forced language for me....I know the words, I have a set of formula's in my head for forming sentences but there's no....heart....not the right word...there's no spirit to it. It's just words being put down in the order that I know they should go in.

Sometimes I get glimpses of light and I know that I'm getting closer but I have a lot of work to do.

They also have 8 cases so I'm not entirely just a dummy hehe. :D

Language is the thing...my raison d'etre in a sense...it's about a process, neurologically, emotionally, spiritually....it's the way to get past differences in race and culture. Language is all we have in a sense and I want as much of it as I can get. I don't know exactly why..maybe I want attention, maybe I'm looking for a better way to understand myself through the words of another, maybe I just like puzzles but there is something absolutely fascinating to me about the way people communicate with each other in their day to day life.

It's funny but I notice how differently our mouths work when we speak new languages with different sounds, and it's interesting because in older people, you can see the evidence of those movements in their smile lines and the lines around their mouths. That's cool to me.

There are some things that I can't imagine being written in any other language aside from English-namely my favorite books, because it wouldn't be "the same" I know how messy it is to translate something and to not just get the words but to get the meaning behind the words.

It's a loaded thing to try and translate what someone else has said into another language...I just said it but I'll say it again-it's not just about the words, it's about the meaning. The cultural, personal, societal weight and meaning that words can carry has to be translated along with the physical words.

I dunno...maybe I think too much. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but a lot of the time, it has it's own story. (c: I think the same is true with languages, sometimes things are just what they seem...that's the stuff you learn in school "Sit in a chair." "Open the window." Whatever-but to really get into a language takes a reconditioning of the brain that anyone can do I think if they have the patience and the desire.

I don't know...the best way to do something well is to practice so I'm going to keep at it. I'm going to force my friends and family to help me fix my mistakes and to bear with me while I make a fool out of myself trying to move past the 5th grade speaking level hehe...

I can feel this process taking place in my brain sometimes I think-someday the door will burst open and I will "get it". (c:

Intention. Action. Fruition.

Just a few words before I go

Where I'm not entirely sure. I am ready to go home but that is a loaded word with only shadows. So we'll see.

Just a few notes and then I'm getting some real sleep.

1. Had some good news about the store that has my jewelry for commission in their shop in Weston, MO-some stuff sold. It hasn't been down there a full month (we had to pull inventory for a weekend here and there) so I'm pretty happy.

2. I jumped off the cliff and signed up for this huge Women's Life Expo that is coming through the KC Convention Center-a chance to sell my jewelry and my art to thousands of people-specifically women. Wish me luck.

3. I am reassessing my previous ability to cope with things. Perhaps I have found my limit for bullshit.

I found a marked improvement in my German. Makes me feel pretty good in a way-now to fill in the holes.

Estonia is my new secret. It was a really wonderful time and overall a great experience. I got a good dose of learning to be with just me---which was a little dull at times honestly. I guess I'm not as engaging as I thought hehe. Regardless-I wouldn't trade it for anything. I developed my skills as a drawer and rediscovered my passion for Oil Pastels. And I did a silk painting that I am quite pleased with. It has flow, it has a good composition, I paced myself and let it guide me--I feel alright about the process. Which is what I'm all about anyway.

Tallinn is a fantastic city full of great people. Witnessing the precursor to their Independence Day was something that I will never forget. People can belittle patriotism all they want but coming from a people who literally spent almost 7 centuries being owned by everyone else it's a truly humbling experience. They held a Singing Festival in honor of the Singing Revolution. There is something pretty cool about standing in a crowd of 300,000 listening to them sing songs about freedom. I dunno-maybe it's just me and my love of history but wow.

I started to make some more jewelry, which is good since I have this big ol' sale coming up in October. Lots of things to balance, now if my brain can just keep up with me so I don't go crazy and lose all the ground I've covered so far, we'll be alright.

Anyway.

That's all for now. I'm going to try and get some sleep and shake whatever it is that is making me run a fever and have a swollen throat.

And the writing continues. I hope to have Chapter 6 pushed to an end if not the end by Sunday.

Thank god school starts soon for the kids.

3....2.....1...

Ok, so I just woke up from one of those naps that feel like you might as well have been asleep for weeks...serious stuff. (c:

heh...so everything I own smells like Herbal Essences. This isn't usually a bad thing, except that it's not mine. Turns out someone's stuff emptied near or onto my bag and the straps on my backpack and outside pockets smell really, really, intensely like shampoo now.

I'll have to avoid rainstorms.

So-dunno why but it struck my fancy to post one of my photos from switzerland on here....I put the rest onto www.flickr.com/photos/rissifish so if any of ya'll are interested, you can go check out the stuff there. One day, I will eventually get a full fledged account and you can look at all my random stuff instead of just the first 200.

So...enjoy.

The Things I Do.

I have spent more time in this airport at the moment than I did working the entirety of last week.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm in Cincinnattucky...the blip on the map that is Cincinatti/Northern Kentucky Airport. I will be here until 7:50pm their time.

That's a strange phrase if you think about it...their time. Our time. We humans sure do like to claim things. I'm going to invent my own time zone to live in. One where layovers are never 8 hours long (though I did it to myself this time) and I can be in two places at the same "time".

So had a great day on Friday. I went down to the First Friday's in Downtown, did a little pimping of my artwork and had some success. It was good stuff. Really good stuff. I spent yesterday running around with friends in a sort of final hurrah before I leave for the wild blue until September. I don't know if I'm excited about going back or happy or what.

I'm sort of in the middle. Lots of opportunities in lots of different places.

I reserved a booth at the River Market Arts Festival too this weekend...it's in September and I"m planning on being back in town for it so that should be good. Hopefully that works out well in the end. I'd like to have some new pieces to show off but we'll see, it will depend on when I return and what I get done in Europe and how transportable it is.

I rocked the packing yesterday. Got everything washed, packed and stored (the stuff I wasn't taking) in record time. I could now effectively escape in the middle of the night if I ever had to hehe. Travelling is good practice for stuff like that. :D

So now that I'm going to be going back to Germany, I am planning on sitting down a writing more of the Dicken's Challenge stuff. I know...I know...I could buy lunch if I had a dollar for every time I've said that, but I swear I mean it this time because I'm not going to be distracted quite as much. Though, Stuttgart is going to be vastly more exciting than Wilhelmshaven I can guarantee it.

I need to find a post office type place somewhere in this airport. I don't know if they're equipped with one but here's hoping. If the airport were located anywhere near the city and I could reach it reasonably I would go explore a bit..the weather looks amazing outside. I took the shuttle back and forth a few times just for the sunshine dosage. I'm pathetic I know.

Crossing my fingers it won't be raining in London. I might have better luck of finding 300 dollars in my shoe magically but last time I was there it didn't rain at all so maybe it will be good just for me. I broke down and reserved an expensive (Debit card is still crying over it) hotel room about 3 minutes from the airport. Normally I wouldn't do it, but my flight leaves at 6:40am. I repeat, at 20 to the ungodly hour of 7am I have to be on a flight. I need to arrive at the airport by at least 5:30am. The bus from London proper takes 1 hour, 45 minutes to get there so yeah...to save myself having to get up and be on a bus at like, 3:30am I sucked it up and paid for a hotel room with a free transfer and a continental breakfast. I will just have to be really really good while I"m gone and not touch my bank account hehe. Otherwise, I won't get home.

Ok...going to go find a plug to power my laptop up again.

More once I reach the other side of the pond.

If there was an onomotopoeic word for the noise my brain was making...

I'd use it. But there isn't. I have a bit too much energy it would seem.

Surprise surprise.

This is a frequent occurrence with me. The stars align, the cosmos conspire with the tides and the next thing you know, I'm bouncing off the walls.

Or it might be the five hours of painting and the hour of bellydancing I did tonight. There is something so completely intoxicating and infusing about spending time with creative people. My friend and I got together today at the local coffeeshop for some canvas manipulation. I played with oils for the first time. I like them. Let me rephrase that...I Loooooove them. I can paint and paint and paint and paint and it just keeps blending and then, guess what? I can cut more light spots into the paint and repeat the whole process!

It's amazing. I also bought this really whacky and chunky matte medium gel stuff and made one of the loudest paintings ever...I love it. It looks like a rusty wall or something with this crazy aqua blue green patina. It's really fun and I'm amused. I did it with acrylics cause I'm impatient and I wanted to create something on the fly.

Tomorrow I am going to be taking some photographs of my friend who is pregnant. She's due in 7 weeks and she wants to get some good photos done. It is a sensitive subject for me for various reasons and I'm really looking forward to digging into some great photos with her. We are going to be heading down to Westport, which is the grungy, arty, bohemian-esque, local coffee shop beat out StarBucks part of town (you know, where the art kids and the homeless people hang out together). They have some really great graffitied walls and some funky places mixed with park settings that I think would be really nice.

not that I'm a professional photographer but I can take a decent photo. I'm even going to do it with the dirty F word (film. film!) which I prefer for certain things like this. Anything that gets me more into the process I'm good with.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. I should be doing a lot of reading, jewelry making and cleaning but instead I've been doing a little of those and lots of pondering. Which is both a blessing and a curse. It can spur action as much as it can completely stop me in my tracks.

I am twenty five. I have always been of the mindset that people can do whatever they want, when they want. If you are fifty and want to change careers, I'm tempted to say you can do it if you have the right mindset and attitude. However, I am not in the popular thinking stream with this. I'm ok with all that but it's frustrating. I feel like my walls of "Do anything anytime" are slowly closing in around me, or worse, dissipating into the muggy humidity of the Midwest. I don't like the term "biological clock" or "becoming more career focused" What if I'm not concerned with having kids before I'm 30 or landing that sweet spot job that makes me a bunch of money?

More power to me right? So why do I feel sometimes like instead of being bolstered forward into my bright and shiny future without limits I'm just getting sat on and slowly squashed down by the monster of Reality?

It's a bit dramatic but it sucks. I know, in my heart, that I can live a creative life. Whatever that

means. I also know that eventually I am going to have to focus my energy on something. Whether that's my painting, my jewelry design, my interior design stuff, wedding specialty projects, playing guitar, going to a good grad school and becoming an art historian, traveling the world, etc. etc. etc.

you see my point? I'm like a synapse in an ADHD brain with too much caffeine. Boing. Boing. Boing. It's not that I don't stick with things either...I just tend to do them all at the same time. It makes for some really messy guitar strings and some really colorful art history pages.

I like the weird kinetic energy that I seem to thrive on-I know that's all that matters. I also like having lots of stuff to do so I can take a moment away from certain things without being left without a creative outlet.

I don't like being told that I'm getting too old to do this or being accused of being a freeloader (I'm really not. I'm just borrowing a bedroom with my dad for 2 months. First time in five years I haven't been paying rent, working, dealing with a car, extra curricular lessons and making art. so poo on him).

I wish there was a way of transmitting mental zen to other people so they could be happy living their lives and just as happy to let me live mine the way I want to.

I will eventually get a retirement fund. I will eventually find a "career". I will move back to the states, for an undisclosed amount of time, and focus my energy on all those important things I keep hearing about....painting, drawing, making music. I mean...rent, bills, student loans and the GRE test books.

When are some times you have felt pressure from others to change your life or your aspirations and refused to give in? It's not that all the pressures I'm getting are negative, they're just clueless. Have you encountered the same thing before? What was your response?

And lastly, since this is my blog and not twenty questions, did you find a way to make them understand or did you just find new friends?

Blue Tiara

I am wearing a blue tiara at the moment. It's utterly ridiculous. I love it. It was my friend's bachelorette party this evening-we went to a place called Pin Up Bowl and went to dinner at Jose Peppers. Good stuff. We dressed her in a tutu and veil, flashy bling awful rings and beads and took her bowling. Nothin' like it. I hope to have pictures soon hehe. She is getting married on Saturday. I am one of her bridesmaids so it's been a hectic week. I've never been a bridesmaid before. I think I might actually be allergic to weddings. I've worked enough banquets and sponsered dinners to know that much. However, I must say, my friend and her wedding plans have given me hope. It's going to be an awesome gig. Good music...no Baby Got Back, Hot in Here or other crap...no lame frilly over the top lace and beads and 4,000 dollar swans with ice sculptures. Instead, we have a classy black and white ska music theme (aka checkerboard), red and orange for some awesome accent colors, interesting flowers, classy bridemaid dresses (I can actually wear it again in public) and what is aiming to be a lot of fun. I'm actually excited.

Sort of makes me wonder if and when I ever get married or decide on any of that rubbish what sort of insane concoctions I'm going to come up with. My friend has managed to keep it about her and her originality and creativity. Which is something so many weddings sorely lack.

Pardon the digression.

It looks like some of my networking has paid off. I went and talked to a gallery downtown yesterday and the lady said that she would let me come in a sell during First Fridays when all the new shows open. She also said that any time I wanted to come down on a Saturday and sell I was welcome. This is good news seeing as I am trying to make some money for my fledgling business and work towards turning it into a real business. I am also trying to get some different art projects ready and worked on to submit for some of the upcoming art shows and the such that I'm reading about but I'm sort of running out of time. I'm trying to apply all the right tactics to get things done but sometimes it's easy to get things spread a little thin around here.

I am currently focusing on getting things for the wedding squared away without breaking my bank account entirely (it's not my wedding. I shouldn't go into debt) and get things ready and prepared for my upcoming artist residence and return to Europe.

I have mixed feelings in some ways about going back. I think that's part of being home for me though...when I'm here I keep looking for that thing whatever it is, that will make me feel like I'm part of a family here. Really and truly. Not that I don't think I have a place or that I'm not loved..I'm not emo or 14 anymore, I know I have those things...I just wish that I felt more integrated. More like I had an impact on things when I'm here I guess. Maybe it's ego. Maybe it's not. Maybe I'm imagining a false sense of importance to the family I work with overseas or maybe I approach my own family with such bias, such tinted views on reality that I can't see the proverbial forest.

Maybe it's really just them. I like that answer. Leaves me with my hand well out of the cookie jar.

There is a new book out called "Who's Your City"-I was hearing about it today on NPR. They were talking about various personality types, cities that fit those types and where the different types of people tend to gravitate. While I'm not usually a fan of compartmentalizing people (or anything really) I think there is some validity to what the book is talking about. I am going to be dealing with where to land when I come back from Estonia/Germany (going to be living in stuttgart...light years better than Wilhelmshaven).

I want to find a place where the energy fits me. I want to find my frequency. I don't necessarily have to stay there for the rest of my life or whatever but I am aiming to find a solid place to land where I feel comfortable making art, making a home (for however long), etc. I really like a lot of things about Kansas City. I care a lot about the people that I know here, the things that I've gotten to do and experience while living here, etc. I don't know if it will be where I set up in the end but I'm open to the idea. I know that for me a huge factor is going to be how creative I feel I can be here. Both in my profession and practice and in my life. I want to be challenged.

What has influenced where you live? Family? friends? career? gut instict?

I'm curious how and why some of you out there found your way to where you are now and what that means to you and what you think the future holds.

Blogging for boredom...

I'm bored. I know, it's cliched.

I had a pretty good Tuesday actually. More specifically, it's been a productive week so far and we're only two days in...this is good.

I did a lot of research about some different Calls for Artists and the such and found some really cool sounding stuff. There is an art pool in San Francisco that is looking for artists to do some commissions for the San Francisco Airport Terminal 2 that they are remodeling. I think some large scale Fiber pieces would be perfect. They want 10 images of your work. I have ten images, I just have to beef up the fiber element of it since I either usually end up selling my fiber pieces or not photographing them because they are difficult to do justice. Unless you have a professional, which would be nice, but I'm all out of those at the moment. I do have a really nifty camera though so that might help (c:

I ordered some cool new dye stuff from my favoritest (hehe) website ever, Dharma trading company. Good stuff. Love their products and their website is great. Anyway, I ordered some stuff and it's being rocketed towards me as we speak (I'm sure...) and it should be here in a few days. I can then turn the upstairs laundry room into a dye kitchen for about an hour and hopefully have the basis for some cool new art stuffs. We'll see how it goes. I have been wanting to sit down and play with some stuff for a while. Mess around with some watercolors or something. I dunno. Silkpainting is a great way to get some cool results too.

I have promised myself that I am going to go back to the writing process at the end of the week. Life has a strange way of hitting you with things all at the same time and while I have no real excuse, its been its own process getting back into the country and all. It happens. I'm ok with it.

I had my kung fu class tonight which is always a really nice outlet for things. I am really aiming to get my next rank before I go back to Europe. I want to be able to move on and work on some different things and it's been a bit too long between rankings I think. I also feel much more ready, much more like a martial artist than I have in the past. One of those life lesson things I've learned or have begun to learn I believe while I was traveling around having to not only depend on me but trust me. They seem like the same thing but there are shades of meaning that seperate them.


I have let a few other things slide in the recent past...not so much a good thing, but I'm working on it. At the moment I'm waiting to get some more money in so I can sit down and repost a lot of my jewelry to my Etsy site...at the moment there's nothing up there I don't think. Which isn't good. Things like that need to stay active and that requires having objects to show. I think I am going to start doing my commission pieces via them to generate some sales and show a number under "sold" pieces. Perhaps that will help my store become more recognizable by the search engines so I get more traffic. I need to do some marketing too...but that costs money sometimes. (c: I have some nifty postcards, I just have to make sure they get up around town.

If any of you know, need or want some cool jewelry, wedding stuff, last minute gifts, give me a hollar, I can email images of my work and or direct you to a site that will show you my work upon request. :D

I'm going to be posting my reading list in a few days here I think, I've just about finished up my last book for this part of the month. May I spent scattered and not doing much of anything except trying to get back in the swing of things (only to leave again in July but whatever..)

From the deep there rumbled something...

Oh wait. It's just me. Posting a blog again. finally. I don't know. I have not been in the mood for blogging or writing much of anything the past ooooo...two weeks. I have been reading a lot, thinking a lot, doing a lot of laundry and catching up with my friends.

I know there's like, two of you out here who are still interested, but I swear I haven't actually given up on writing Beyond The Seven Seas...appearances can be deceiving. It's just stewing and sitting and not getting written. I will push forward. I just haven't really had the time. And, I got my guitar back and that's a huuuge distraction.

I feel like I'm 17 again. Not in that warm-squishy-basking-in-the-glow-of-youth way. In the..."dad, can I borrow the car? I need a job I can walk to" sort of way. Gag. On a sock.

Living at home again after being out of your parents house for six years is definitely not on my list of easy things to do. Not that my dad isn't overall a decent person to share a house with. The stepmother is alright too if insanely jealous that I can come and go as I please.

Sorry toots.

Currently, I am sitting in the office enjoying M and M's, milk and contemplating the delights of taking a shower. I had my Kung Fu class tonight. It is probably one of my most favorite places to be.

I have been running around catching up with friends that I have missed. I did not realize how much I had missed them until I saw them again. I have also been living life with exactly 2.95 cents in my bank account. Hehe. There are perks to living with your dad. It's like an insurance plan or something.

I think part of why I have not been writing is because my brain is processing. Europe was a huge experience and really, this trip home is more of just a pause in the bigger picture. I leave Kansas again to go back to europe on July 14th. At the beginning of August I am traveling to Estonia. I am going to try and venture into Russia. I'm excited about that.

I think coming home was a necessary thing for more than one reason. It is allowing me to gain some perspective on what I did or did not learn during my time abroad.

I feel as though I am sitting on a fulcrum. I can either slide back into the same old shit or I can re-enter some of the familiar situations from my past with the promise to myself and to my heart that I will approach them differently. Situations are, in some ways, neutral. It's what we manage to bring to them or lay over them or charge them with that dictate how they proceed.

The pasts attached to us are seductive. They don't want to be ignored. They are always waiting somewhere just beyond what we can see, waiting to pull us back into what Was.

I don't want that to be the case here. Where I was headed wasn't all that bad...no real things to complain about but at the same time, I can head to better places I think. I am holding on to some things-

I still want to go to graduate school and get a PhD in Art History so I can teach university. That's really, really important to me. I've also decided though that I want to live a creative life. Whatever that means. I know what end I want to reach, or the general direction that the end lies in but I am no longer going to tie myself into knots worrying about how I'm going to get there.

Goal in mind. Let the games begin.

There was a lot of turmoil surrounding the time that I picked up and left to travel for six months. I broke up with a boyfriend of three years, sold my car, boxed up a lot of stuff for Goodwill, took a lot of things out to my mom's, friend's etc. to be stored and left. I remember sitting in JFK's airport heading to Turkey feeling like I had fought on the frontline of a war. It was a strange way to depart.

Coming home was much less troubled. Granted, my wonderful friend sort of left me at the airport by accident (when I say wonderful, I really do mean wonderful. She didn't mean to abandon me exactly hehe) but there were no tears, no pain associated with leaving or returning. I was excited and a bit overwhelmed as I arrived into Atlanta's airport.

I know better now on an emotional level (not just intellectual) that I need to pursue things like making music and art and my business plan and all those things that make me feel like me without apologizing for it or giving pieces of me away to those who don't want to give anything back. Or rather, who want to give the wrong sort of things back.

That's huge.