I'm doing it again.

I'm finding ways to get over busy so I don't have to focus on re-focusing. (c: Go figure that one out.

I mean-this time it's not just random nonsense-it's business stuff in a lot of ways. I just feel like I'm spending a lot of damn money lately. Art crap is expensive and it's killing me to know that I have a lot of perfectly good stuff living in a garage in Colorado that I can't get my hands on. Not that I really have a ton of place to keep all that stuff right now-it's sort of a lot. It needs it's own house at the moment.

And I feel like certain things are on repeat since one of my art supply bearing packages exploded after arriving to the States and now my stuff is in random cities in random states with no way to get back to me. I don't know if it literally exploded but a friend of mine got a book belonging to me in the mail....she lives in New Orleans....right.

I've got a long to-do list tomorrow-most of which should be classified under "fun errands to run" meaning that I am going to go find some sort of table that I can use for storage and decorative purposes, I'd like to peruse the options for comforters and see what I can find-not really the best time since I'm going to have some bills hitting in a bit and well, I've only had 2 paychecks so far so yeah...not the most opportune moment to run out and buy stuff. I have things that work very nicely right now and I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

I did splurge and get a haircut. w00t.

I also need to run and get some supplies since I'm going to have a busy busy month in December it looks like. Tomorrow is going to be a hopefully not too expensive day but I will definitely be leaking money in different places.

I've discovered that I really dig Polyclay. Good stuff. Stinky. Sticky. But really fun. And cost effective! (read: cheaper than buying beads...I can do this!)

I am hunting for some more Christmas Commissions-if you know anyone who needs that special something, hit me up. I'd be glad to help out. (c: I'm cheap. And easy. :D

Moving past the shameless plug-I've landed a few good gigs for the beginning of December and am now looking into filling the rest of the month with things that could potentially make me some money. I"m also beginning to compile my christmas lists and figure out who I need to shop for and all that fun stuff.

I've also been jonesin' to get my hands on some painting time. I'm no painter and I know that but I like to do it so why the heck not.

My friend had an early Thanksgiving Dinner-his theory is to do it before everyone is sick of Turkey. Hehe. It was good stuff. I ate some awesome food, drank some beer, hung out with some friends and then stuck around afterwards, helped clean up a bit and then made some jewelry with my friend. It was a good night.

I have nothing of utmost importance to talk about tonight I'm realizing-I've just been setting some goals and trying to work towards them. Including spending more time crafting good "being at home habits"...some of which are working. Some of which aren't. It's a weird time.

Anyway-I'm sure I set out to say something important but sometimes just writing to write is a good cathartic experience. It gets the brain going in a different way and makes me feel, at least, that I've talked something out even if I never really got around to what that was. It's a good method for getting a new perspective on the same old same old.

I'm going to bed-I really do have lots of stuff I need to be doing and sitting up at 1:30 in the morning talking about how much I have to do and waiting for some ephiphany to strike is probably not the best way to go about doing things.

So.

Goodnight.

Have you ever...(c:

Bold the things you’ve done and will admit to.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band-does Rock Band count?
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity (not sure what counts here)
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community (I'm not counting seeing them downtown shopping)
36. Taught yourself a new language (do video courses count?)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted (sort of)
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie(the scene was cut but we filmed it...)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia-I got really damn close....
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit-I was accused of being evicted and then sued but it was an accident and it never went to court so I guess that's a no...
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

How about you?

Breathe in...

And breathe out.

Yes. We. Did.

Perhaps now we will be reminded what it means to live responsibly.


Oh.

And.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've gotten this every time since I was 17...

Minus the Harry Potter part. I guess some things never change. (c:


Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

Writing is a dirty devil

My story is lacking commitment.

I figured it out. I have this problem in a lot of areas-strangely enough relationships not being one of them-regardless-

In my martial arts class I'm always being told to flesh out the movements a bit more, get into them, give them a little more oomph. Take them to their fullest. I tend to gloss over things a bit more...just naturally inclined that way.

So when I'm reading through my story-especially the last chapters, I'm realizing that I haven't really committed to anything-I've got the idea, I've got the "moments" that are supposed to mean something but I get into "gloss over" mode and I don't really write the moment. I get the bones and then expect people to get really excited hehe. Or something. So bearing this in mind-and hopefully without getting incredibly wordy and reaching for straws, I will attempt to actually write this thing-which sounds silly. I think I get scared away of what people may or may not think about my own sanity or my own personal values based on the things I write about. The thing is, I'm not writing my life story. They know that. I know that. I'm writing from the perspective of someone else entirely-in theory. And therefore, I can do what I want or what the story dictates. Something that makes things a little more interesting.

I've said it before, but there's something intimidating about putting things down in black and white because it makes them seem more real.

When I want to write something intense and sensuous and whatever, or completly the opposite, really awkward and open and quirky, I get tied up in the fear that people are going to overlay what my characters do and say and think about, onto me, without knowing me. I guess in someways it woudn't be a bad thing but at the same time-it's something I need to just get over.

Alrighty-making a late dinner and then perhaps attempting this monster. I swear I'll keep moving.

The abridged version of this post could have read: I am going to make a pledge to stop half assing everything I do.

On the road again..

No promises about the lucidity of this post, I'm lacking the appropriate coffee to blood stream ratio.

And I'm jetlagged.

And my o key is stuck. Srt f makes me want t write like this.

So I arrived last night, on time despite a delay at Chicago's airport due partially to the weather and to the fact that the valve that regulated the oil line designated to keep the fuel warm while in flight had gone schizo and they had to get it fixed. All went well with the flight though-sat behind one of the poorest examples of an American I've met in a while...

Excerpt from last night's overheard conversation:

Douchebag to the guy next to him: So, where you from?

Guy Next To Him, spoken in thick accent, moderately broken English: Austria

Douchebag: Ahh, from Down Under! (spoken in pathetic attempt at Aussie accent)

Austrian: No, not Australia-Austria.

Douchebag: Oh. Right.

Me: You know, the one by Germany.

Douchebag then proceeded to babble aimlessly and laugh at his own jokes.

Regardless, arrived back in KC with no problems...my awesome friend and now roommate made chili...so not only did I have food waiting for me...but it was hot, yummy homemade chili!

And I have a wonderful new bedroom and I slept like the dead last night. It was awesome. I got up around noon...finally. Currently feel a bit like a zombie but I think it'll be back to normal by tomorrow.

k..mre posting when my o key desn't require a ten pound grilla t sit n it t wrk.

To: The Economy From: Me

Dear Economy,

You haven't been looking well lately. In fact, I'd say you've been looking a little peakish. I'm worried about you. I think you need a rest. Sometimes starting over is the best option. It gives us a chance to rebuild and re-evaluate from the inside.

Change can be a good thing. I know it's hard to be the one who gets abandoned, being left brokenhearted and alone but you'll come through this. Lehman Brothers, Washington Mutual, all of those who are now gone, they weren't your real friends anyway. They were just smoke and mirrors, you're too good for them. You need substance in your life, real options that are backed by real promises, not empty words.

You're going through hard times, I understand. A lot of us understand, but we need you. You can't give up now, no throwing in the towel. It's time you took stock, figure out where you want to be in ten years and start moving forward. I'm not here to tell you what you already know, but sometimes we all need to be picked up by our bootstraps.

I'm also not here to tell you that the worst is over, it isn't. But if we pull together we can look towards a brighter, greener future. Things will be alright. We just have to keep a little perspective. You've been abused-taken for granted, even taken advantage of-you were pushed too far over the edge by those who didn't know how to appreciate you for you but it'll soon be over and you can show them what you're made of. It's time to get back to some of those old time values, don't just lay yourself down for every person with a pretty smile that comes along, have some pride. You have a choice who you invest your time and energy in.

So, why don't you come over to my place, we'll have some tea, I hear England's coming to see how you're doing and we can figure this all out. And that deficit everyone's talking about? Don't let it bother you too much. Just ignore all those hateful, hopeless words. You'll figure out how to get it paid off eventually. It'll be hard, you've been living in a virtual world for so long but recovery is possible. Even the best of us fall on hard times. So, buck up, take a deep breath and get ready to start a new chapter in your life, capitalize on some hard lessons learned and we'll see if the sun doesn't start to shine through those rain clouds.

Sincerely,

Me.

Idle Times

Ok, so I have chicken pox. Of all things. I thought it was measles at first but it tricksed me. Tricksy little viruses. Regardless, I look like Swamp Thing but it's all fine. Aesthetics aside, it's getting better. If my face falls off, well, that'll just make for a really interesting weekend.

Anyway-As I've been laying around in bed the past...week?...I've been doing a lot of thinking about this little election we're facing. Ok, so I know I'm probably late to jump on the bandwagon-I haven't been doing my rounds as usual, frankly, I haven't been doing much of anything, but I'm going to add my voice to whatever mix is out there.

I'm pissed.

I've been pissed for eight years. I've waited for eight years. And I am not about to stand here, lie here, sit here, whatever, and watch another pig-headed, foolish ass run the country. Regardless of what side of the line we stand on politically I don't think there's a single person right now who can say that they are really, truly happy with the state of things. You look at the anniversaries that have come and gone, Katrina, 9/11 and you have to wonder-what have we done with the time we've been given? Not a damn thing.

We have a city still in ruins because our government cares more about feeding their fat faces than repairing peoples lives.

We have memorials to commemorate people who died and what have we accomplished? If any of you are conspiracy theorists than perhaps you join me in a bit of wry smiling and head shaking, but regardless (or perhaps as Bush would say, irregardless..), we can throw up pretty memorials and say a bunch of nice, empty words and yet our actions, our ACTIONS show that we don't really give a damn. I'm sick of claiming a society that is so smug and so busy being pleased with ourselves over nothing that we can't smell our own bullshit.

I'll tell you something, the only reason Gustav got coverage was because it damaged oil sources, not because thousands of people were losing their lives as it ravaged across the seas-not because it threatened an already hobbling New Orleans. No, it got attention because of Oil.

We are drunk on it. We are gorged on it. I'm surprised it doesn't bleed out of the assholes in Washington every time they sit down. There has got to be a better solution.

People can throw around big words like Off Shore Drilling and Alaskan Tundra and Global Market but what it really boils down to is a quick fix. Nothing that is sucked out of this dehydrated earth today is going to affect our market before five, ten, fifteen, maybe twenty years. I'll be 45 in twenty years, at that point, I plan on being car free, living in a house that actually saves energy, running my business and going from there. Not stuffing my gas guzzling car full of more dirty, desperately endangered natural resources.

If I'm really honest, I am terrified, more than I can express with any word in any language, or any of the images I draw or paint, for the state of our environment. We live here, if we want to continue to do that, we have to change. And I mean, really, in our hearts and in our guts, change.

There is this word that people seem to be allergic to these days...it's called Responsibility. I'm not going to preach, we're all adults, we all know the meaning of this word. The problem is everyone seems afraid to do anything with it. Afraid or apathetic. I'm not sure which anymore.

To become an oil free nation is going to take time. The world and the global economy would come crashing down around our feet tomorrow if we pulled oil off the market right this second. We'd have bigger problems than Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and The Lehman Brothers to worry about, that's for sure. But to really, actually realize the reality that everyone keeps talking about, we're going to have to start now. Not 4 years from now, not 8 years from now, but NOW.

Germany has the right idea-the other day I helped to clean out some moving boxes. We came across old cassette tapes that we have no player to listen to them with anymore...so instead of dumping the whole thing in the trash, we took the cassettes out of their cases, put the cases in the yellow sack (which is the best invention ever...more in a minute) and put the rest in the "trash". All of it will be recycled. No rewards. No gimmicks. No expensive monthly fees to pay. Just done. Over, simple. No problem. Recycling is inherent in peoples lives here. To the point where the country can take other countries garbage and dispose of it for them.

Imagine if America actually got off its fat ass and tried that? Tried actually putting clear, functional, affordable recycling tools in peoples homes. The yellow sack idea is fantastic if you ask me. It's a bag, and it's yellow. Hence the name. And in it you put anything that qualifies as packaging. Plastic wrappers, casings, boxes, you name it, in the bag. And then you set it out on your curb like normal trash twice a week and it goes away. Into the blue yonder to be recycled in a clean and generally efficient manner. How hard is this? We're one of the biggest societies in the world and we can't figure out how to quit dumping our shit into the oceans and the landfills and streets? It's pathetic and it's sickening.

Germany also utilizes bio-tons. All biological food items (peelings, egg shells, small bits of leftovers) go into a trashcan looking container and taken to the giant compost heap. There's no smell, there's no unsightly anything, it's just a better way of processing waste. It's not that difficult.

Alas, things like this require that people set down their Blackberrys and their Starbucks Latte's *who really could do better and use 100 percent recycled cups instead of 60%. They have more money than god....it would probably improve their economic efficiency in the long run.* and DO something that takes a few extra seconds out of their day. More specifically, people need to put aside their bloated Egos that says they are more important than every other living creature on this planet and take a minute. Figure out how to carpool. Look into setting up a car share program in their city *which I'm going to look into once I'm back in the States. If I have to call the Wisconsin government and ask them, "How did you set up your rideshare?" I will. It can't be that hard. It would do wonders for our fuel and energy consumption though.

Ok, so in case you can't tell, I'm a bleeding heart hippy Liberal and I'm damn proud of it. I have a friend who is a Republican..we've been friends for almost 11 years. Friendship is deeper than politics and we've agreed to disagree on a lot--however, I care too much about this election to let it slip through our fingers again.

To win I think we need, above all, unity. We need to get behind our candidate and show that age does not equal wisdom. That throwing a pretty pair of tits up in front of the cameras who also happen to have a mouth and a brain attached to them is not the answer we're looking for when we say "We need change". It isn't about gender anymore. That Ace was already played and pocketed by Clinton. It's about reform. It's about motivation. I don't think John McCain can motivate anyone to do anything different than they are already doing. Which is the last thing anyone needs. Because what we've been doing isn't working. Someone remind me, what's the definition of Insanity again?

We think in terms of money, not honesty or environment unfortunately. Global Warming only became popular when we began to realize that it was costing us extra money (in the form of taxes, higher costs of living, the buzzword energy prices)...and it was hurting the environment. Ok, so money got our attention--the environments state has held it because the link between the two has been formed--now lets do something about it. Let's help both ourselves and the planet...which really should be first because as the saying goes...."Your last suit doesn't have any pockets." You can make all the money in the world and none of it will matter when we're dead. When that fate arrives on our doorstep has a lot to do with the changes and decisions we make today.

Clean air and water and all that other important stuff doesn't have any impact on people anymore. It's taken for granted. We've never had to suffer blindness because of contaminated drinking water like some countries. We should be grateful for that. Because at this rate, someday, we might. Ok, so all of that aside--you can't march around with signs in your hand that say "Save the Planet" and expect to spark change anymore. You can't yell and scream in public and expect to be heard. You have to do the hardest thing anyone can do....you have to change and you have to make sure other people know you've changed and lead by example.

There's a fine line between leading and flaunting but really, I think we could all manage. I have friends who truly have made lifestyle changes that are suited towards the environment. They get their groceries from a local KC Farming Collective. They built a house that uses the heat from the earth to stay warm. Every piece of wood in their home was set to be thrown away or burned and they salvaged it, reclaimed it and reused it. They did a lot of the work themselves instead of hiring out other people to do it for them, they bought appliances and items that conserve energy.

You don't have to go to that extreme necessarily but there are things you can do in your day to day life, more than just changing your lightbulbs or unplugging your appliances before you go to bed that can really make an impact. And that can show to the public and to the politics in a big way that we are ready to start down the road towards a future we can actually be proud to be part of.


We have big, scary issues facing our lives right now, threatening the very day to day routines that we take for granted. But only if we let it. If we can step away from our obsession with money and oil, if we can look to the other side of Privilege and see what Could Be, if we can stop fooling ourselves and start sacrificing, changing, revamping whatever you want to call it, the way we live our lives, then we can start to talk about renewable energy. Foreign Policy. Education. Above all, education.

In my belief, it starts with us before it starts with Politics but putting Obama in office wouldn't be a bad first step. 0:D That's just one liberals opinion.

In the end, though, it really comes down to what we do as a people. Not as Republicans or Democrats. We get too attached to labels in our society. We are all just people-and as people we have a responsibility to do what we can today. Take back the marionette strings and see what can happen.

Frequency and Tone

I'm not talking about music but close enough.

I'm talking about language.

Each language operates at it's own frequency or tone-the trick to learning languages then, i think, is not to do what I've tried to do and beat yourself over the head with grammar and all that other junk...(ok...so it's not a bad place to start, structure is important too darnit) but to get a few of the basic words and then just listen...a lot. But it's more than that too...I am not sure I can really get to the heart of what I'm trying to say, except to point out some of the obvious things and go from there.

Mainly, you cannot overlay your knowledge of one language on top of another. Maybe with some that are closely related, but say with Turkish (my addiction), it's nearly impossible. I know this, logically, and yet the tone and frequency of English is so ingrained...I know how to manipulate English, how to be funny, how to be professional or intelligent (sometimes) or whatever....I can say with relative confidence that I use my language well.

The trick for me now is to turn that part of my brain off and really figure out how to do the same thing with other languages...German is easier. I am proud to say that on the right day and without the kids yakkin' at me a mile a minute I will just start a sentence in German and pull from my resource until I hit a block...I don't have to sit there and think for three hours about what I want to say or how to say it, I just start to say it.

Therein lies a distinction as well...being able to pull from a source and having to filter it through your own language first or being able to pull directly from that source...that's the beauty of being around kids. You start to associate the things you hear with what they do because overall, they are not spewing Shakespeare they are just talking about the basic things.

A few months back I put down the Elementary Turkish book (hard as it was...i'm surprised it hadn't printed itself on my hands) and said, Ok, enough of that. I started chatting with a friend of mine...she speaks no English and my Turkish is hardly rudimentary but whatever. I found an online turkish dictionary for when I really get stuck and I started to try.

I had a few moments where the other person didnt understand a word of what I said, and I would have to try again...but generally I could be understood.

THe problem is that I'm speaking at the wrong frequency...rather, I'm typing at the wrong frequency. I catch myself all the time trying to use Turkish like English like I said and it doesn't work. They have no word for the verb "to have" for cryin' out loud..hehe.

Some things work out alright but you can tell from reading my IM's that it's a forced language for me....I know the words, I have a set of formula's in my head for forming sentences but there's no....heart....not the right word...there's no spirit to it. It's just words being put down in the order that I know they should go in.

Sometimes I get glimpses of light and I know that I'm getting closer but I have a lot of work to do.

They also have 8 cases so I'm not entirely just a dummy hehe. :D

Language is the thing...my raison d'etre in a sense...it's about a process, neurologically, emotionally, spiritually....it's the way to get past differences in race and culture. Language is all we have in a sense and I want as much of it as I can get. I don't know exactly why..maybe I want attention, maybe I'm looking for a better way to understand myself through the words of another, maybe I just like puzzles but there is something absolutely fascinating to me about the way people communicate with each other in their day to day life.

It's funny but I notice how differently our mouths work when we speak new languages with different sounds, and it's interesting because in older people, you can see the evidence of those movements in their smile lines and the lines around their mouths. That's cool to me.

There are some things that I can't imagine being written in any other language aside from English-namely my favorite books, because it wouldn't be "the same" I know how messy it is to translate something and to not just get the words but to get the meaning behind the words.

It's a loaded thing to try and translate what someone else has said into another language...I just said it but I'll say it again-it's not just about the words, it's about the meaning. The cultural, personal, societal weight and meaning that words can carry has to be translated along with the physical words.

I dunno...maybe I think too much. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but a lot of the time, it has it's own story. (c: I think the same is true with languages, sometimes things are just what they seem...that's the stuff you learn in school "Sit in a chair." "Open the window." Whatever-but to really get into a language takes a reconditioning of the brain that anyone can do I think if they have the patience and the desire.

I don't know...the best way to do something well is to practice so I'm going to keep at it. I'm going to force my friends and family to help me fix my mistakes and to bear with me while I make a fool out of myself trying to move past the 5th grade speaking level hehe...

I can feel this process taking place in my brain sometimes I think-someday the door will burst open and I will "get it". (c:

Intention. Action. Fruition.

Materialism

has to be the highest of all unattractive behaviors. Especially when it comes not from a superficial place that was put there by society, but when it is born into a person.

More specifically, any parent who would encourage this in their own child should be drawn and quartered.

Children should be taught the value of whatever currency you use (I'd say dollar but that changes too much on a daily basis anymore)--but not to the sacrifice of love.

And I'm not talking that hippy shit that those others would call "quirky" are always going on about...but I am talking about value. There is a level of value that comes from the quality of our relationships which is dictated by the quality of people we have around us. If I don't have a dime in my pocket, and yes, I've been there, I know that there are people who will be my friends regardless. My family, charmingly dysfunctional as they are, will still love me.

In short, they won't define my value by how much money I have in my bank account.

And while it might be hip and cool to flaunt whatever assets you think you have around, because our society has told us as much, if the world blows up and all of your possessions are gone, then what? The means by which you've defined yourself are gone and you're left with nothing. In the biggest sense. Assuming that we're left at all. Regardless.

You have to take time to cultivate the interior, the mind, the soul, whatever word you want to put on it--intelligence to me will never be defined by marrying someone or being with a person because it means you can pay your rent but are emotionally bankrupt.

And parents have this duty above all. So, listen up--quit being idiots and talking to your children about your money problems. Stop telling them the reason they can't have whatever stupid item they're asking for is because of the dollar value, don't tell them that you go shopping at certain places only because of money or whatever. Sometimes it's unavoidable and yes, they have to have an idea of how money and the economy works, but they don't need to have it define every element of their lives.

I can't even begin to express the absolute hatred of that behavior/attitude, whatever, I have. I can sit here and fume and type and say whatever but there is no word for it. Disgust comes close.

There is nothing that hurts me more than seeing someone, especially a kid, offer up or treat the things in their life that actually mean something as though they were nothing just because the monetary "value" isn't evident.

What good is a piece of paper that we give a virtual value to when it really comes down to it?

I need to find my copy of Zen and the Art.

Just a few words before I go

Where I'm not entirely sure. I am ready to go home but that is a loaded word with only shadows. So we'll see.

Just a few notes and then I'm getting some real sleep.

1. Had some good news about the store that has my jewelry for commission in their shop in Weston, MO-some stuff sold. It hasn't been down there a full month (we had to pull inventory for a weekend here and there) so I'm pretty happy.

2. I jumped off the cliff and signed up for this huge Women's Life Expo that is coming through the KC Convention Center-a chance to sell my jewelry and my art to thousands of people-specifically women. Wish me luck.

3. I am reassessing my previous ability to cope with things. Perhaps I have found my limit for bullshit.

I found a marked improvement in my German. Makes me feel pretty good in a way-now to fill in the holes.

Estonia is my new secret. It was a really wonderful time and overall a great experience. I got a good dose of learning to be with just me---which was a little dull at times honestly. I guess I'm not as engaging as I thought hehe. Regardless-I wouldn't trade it for anything. I developed my skills as a drawer and rediscovered my passion for Oil Pastels. And I did a silk painting that I am quite pleased with. It has flow, it has a good composition, I paced myself and let it guide me--I feel alright about the process. Which is what I'm all about anyway.

Tallinn is a fantastic city full of great people. Witnessing the precursor to their Independence Day was something that I will never forget. People can belittle patriotism all they want but coming from a people who literally spent almost 7 centuries being owned by everyone else it's a truly humbling experience. They held a Singing Festival in honor of the Singing Revolution. There is something pretty cool about standing in a crowd of 300,000 listening to them sing songs about freedom. I dunno-maybe it's just me and my love of history but wow.

I started to make some more jewelry, which is good since I have this big ol' sale coming up in October. Lots of things to balance, now if my brain can just keep up with me so I don't go crazy and lose all the ground I've covered so far, we'll be alright.

Anyway.

That's all for now. I'm going to try and get some sleep and shake whatever it is that is making me run a fever and have a swollen throat.

And the writing continues. I hope to have Chapter 6 pushed to an end if not the end by Sunday.

Thank god school starts soon for the kids.

Chapter Five-Beyond the Seven Seas

More on my disappearance after the 20th. For now-

Here. There are notes to myself still in here and odds and ends that aren't quite tying in yet but I can fix that later. Here's dem bones. (c:

CHAPTER FIVE

He had taken a wrong turn. At least, that’s what he was going to tell Boreas when he saw him. He was late. The day was quickly spelling trouble for him. A pig of his word indeed! Damn the fates. They always seem to have different ideas for those trying to do right. He stopped for a moment to get his bearings. He had no idea where he was. He had spent half his day covered in slime and now here he was, lost in London with a very angry Boreas waiting for him on the other end. Well, he assumed he was angry. He was usually angry. But he had to see her again! It was crazy and it took him well out of any way that he knew to get to where he was going but impulse being the devil it is, he had followed her. Sometimes we’re programmed to break the rules. It seemed to suit him. He hadn’t really intended for her to see him, that was sure to cause problems later on but things never happen the way they are expected. Causes a lot of disappoint in the end. He had learned to stop expecting. The pleasure of being out of the dampness of the sewers overruled his worries-it was so much better in the open. Let Clio run around in the filth of London and see how ready she is to suggest such a thing again. Ha. He’d do it his way for a while. Liberties were meant to be taken after all, and he could make up his own mind just fine. He scurried along, tucked into the shadows of the looming buildings of London, hoping he was headed somewhere familiar. Things were very different up here. He wandered the streets until the voice in the back of his addled brain began to chirp loud enough for him to listen.

He should take cover.

There was danger in being seen.

He was running out of time.

He peered around the next corner and scrambled towards the open drain that led back into the murk. He took a final look around and unceremoniously and without grace sloshed his way back into the underground of London. He supposed he should be looking towards the bright side of things, but with time hanging like a heavy mantle around his neck the bright side was increasingly difficult to find.

Tonight:

Desk. Window. Corner. Door. Desk.

Desk. Door. Corner. Window. Desk.

Boreas followed his own footsteps around the dingy and damp office he was renting in London’s Upper East Side. The brown-paneled walls stared back at him and the air was ripe with his own scent and neglected brandy. The glass in his hand had been refilled and emptied. The bottle sitting atop the table slouching against the far wall was looking bare and he was becoming restless. He could go out. But he had to wait. And he was drunk. Or getting there.

Desk. Window. Corner. Door. Desk.

He hated to be kept waiting.

The air outside was growing thick with rain and cold and the inside of his office was freezing. The window against the far wall leaked and the radiator had given up a long time ago.

He went back over to the table that held his one source of entertainment and pulled the top off of the bottle. He sloshed the last remains of the bottle into his glass. With his thin lips he sucked the spilled sour drops off of his wrist. The rest he wiped on his shirt. The cuffs that used to be white had turned gray and the buttons were slightly askew from being worn and slept in for too many days. His jeans clung to his thin frame like leaves on a winter tree. The gray was showing in his dark hair.

Cleanliness may be close to godliness but he had no desire to get any closer to the gods than he’d already managed. Not that it had been his choice. Things rarely were these days.

He drank the last of his brandy.

Desk. Window. Corner. Door. Desk.

The rain started and the walls began to weep as reflections of running water drained down them.

If it weren’t for that stupid pig I wouldn’t be here he thought angrily. His thoughts tumbled out of his control spurred by too much brandy and the blood in his brain caught fire.

If he could kill Apollo he would. Unfortunately, even he was above delusion. It simply wasn’t an option. There was no option at the present but to wait. Regret has a way of seeping into the most hardened of souls. He wanted his muse and to go home. He wanted to never have to deal with another fool woman. They always caused nothing but trouble for him. He spun sharply on the worn heel of his boot.

Desk.Window.Corner.Door.Desk.

The thunder shook the walls and Boreas stopped his pacing long enough to pick up the chair he had ungracefully knocked over in one of his previous rages. Pain shot through his lower back and knees. The weather always brought him pain.

He was old. Too old. What could he do?

He sat down heavily and leaned his head back against the window. The cold glass burned some of the fog out his mind.

He had been a fool so many times before. There was no reason now should be any different. He closed his blue eyes. The lines on his face weighed on him like rocks in a sinking ship.

The conversation from earlier in the evening replayed in his brain like a bad horror flick. It had not gone well to say the least. Meetings involving Kalliope hardly ever went well for anyone. Especially not him. She had thrown salt and he had spent the night licking his wounds clean defending something he had no interest defending. Nothing above self preservation and even that was becoming a questionable cause.

They met at the (insert place name here) around 8pm as discussed. Kalliope had come strutting in on the arm of Apollo and the smell of her over priced perfume made him want to gag as he took his seat opposite her. Apollo, the little lap dog, took a seat next to her followed by Clio and the others. They left a chair open where the missing vixen of the hour should have been. It seemed both honorary and insulting. The diner was poorly lit by the pitiful hanging lamps and the table was too small to fully accommodate all of them, but things weren’t quite how they used to be and these provisions would have to do for the time being. Kalliope had been the first to speak. Of course. Her voice rang in his ears like a note played off tune. There was nothing to be expected from her words, Boreas knew her slippery tongue. She was teat fed on insinuations and hidden propaganda. She was intoxicating.

Her slanted eyes didn’t blink as she looked at him, her hand looped loosely over Apollo’s.

“Well, where is the little fucker.” Kalliope didn’t ask questions. She demanded.

“Late. Missing. Off tramping around with our missing idiot—“

Boreas set his lips in an even thinner line and started again.

“If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll have gone back and we will be hearing from him shortly” He gave his most placid face and wrapped his hands around the gray cup. He picked at the porcelain paint with a dirty finger nail. He considered the consequence of actually putting the cup to his lips. It seemed too much of an unnecessary risk for such a pitiful payoff. Instead he let the humid warmth seep into his palms.

“Evidently that’s assuming a lot on his part, don’t you think?”

Boreas threw his hands up in irritation.

“What I think, is not something that you, in fact, have to think about at all. Seems like you have enough problems with your own concerns.”

He would kill the pig when he got his hands on him.

“I didn’t think I was the main concern of the evening.” He said after a moment.

“Yes, well. About that. About her. The poor dear. Out there all alone, missing. Seems we have a bit of a problem on our hands, doesn’t it.”

How she managed to say it without sneering Boreas would never know. The physical effort should have cracked her porcelain skin.

“Uhm, can I say something?”

All heads turned to look and the tension in the air eased for a fleeting moment.

Clio cleared her throat. “I think we’re the least of the concerns here.”

Kalliope arched an eyebrow at her. Apollo just nodded his head. Boreas said nothing.

“Well, I mean, People aren’t used to this anymore. Muses went out of common knowledge a long time ago.” Clio pursed her lips ever so slightly.

“They have Google for their inspiration now.” Kalliope curled her upper lip like an animal. Or perhaps a child who has gotten a taste of something they didn’t like.

“Complain all you want about our replacements, it doesn’t change the fact that this is serious business she’s brought us. The Rules state very clearly that the boundaries must be obeyed. In fact, if you look back in history—“

“Save your breath.” Boreas cut her off more harshly than he had intended. “We all know the rules. I don’t give a fuck all about the rules. They’re broken. To hell with the boundaries, dear Erato showed us exactly how much those “rules” mean.”

“There must have been a reason. She’s not a complete fool. She knows better than to just let herself, uninvited, into the realm of the mortals.”

“You make it sound so poetic.”

“Yeah, well.” Clio gave Boreas a flat look.

Terpsichore was the first one to set off the chain of arguments.

“I don’t give her that much credit. It’s not like this is the first time.”

“Things were different then. Different times.” Then

"Were they really though? So different, that is? And SO AND SO.

“Things are different now though, we don’t have the same resil—“

Boreas’ open palm hit the table.

“Regardless!” If there was a more narrow sighted group anywhere he would love to meet them. “We don’t even know if she chose to leave this time. Are you all forgetting that? She disappeared. Nothing. No word, no warning. Just, gone. So in essence, it might as well be the first time! And Clio’s right. We’re not the primary concern here.”

They were Gods. Or near gods, at least. One fool-headed Muse was not going to change that. He would see to it himself if that’s what it took.

“How touching. You almost sound worried.” And so his wounds were laid open.

“Oh stop—someone has to think of someone other than themselves for once.”

Kalliope just glared at Clio. “Our time has passed long ago. Perhaps it’s time to move on.” She said in a quiet, breathless voice. They could almost detect hope behind the words.
“Are you mad?” The words were out of Clio’s mouth before she could register that she’d said them. “And then what would become of us? Things like this have an order, you know. A structure. There are laws.” She folded her arms in front of her on the table. Her boundaries were set.

“Besides—“she continued in a moment of boldness that surprised even her. Where is all this fire when my students refuse to listen to me? She wondered mildly. “It seems you’ve grown quite accustomed to the more secular pleasures.” Kalliope was not the only one who could play word games.

Boreas glanced around the table. The others were just sitting and watching, the momentary burst of opinions had run its course. They rarely had much to offer in these matters, they knew the pecking order. Of course, there wasn’t supposed to be a pecking order but between the combined egos of Kal, Boreas and Clio, there was no room for anyone else. They were not above the basic rules of nature.

“Perhaps I could become unaccustomed. There’s something to be said for knowing when you’ve overstayed your welcome. I think the humans have made it pretty clear, don’t you?” She was at once pleading and sarcastic. She was after something.

No one said anything for a few moments. They all knew there was truth behind what she was saying, even if it had to do with her own selfish agendas.

Everyone has a sunset.

“No one is going anywhere until Erato is found.” Boreas said at least, pinching his sinuses between his thumb and forefinger. He needed a drink. “Not until then.” He said on the exhale breath. The temperature in the room dropped a few degrees.

Things certainly weren’t as they used to be. In the past. He found himself looking back more often than he looked forward these days. There had been a time when the Gods had wandered freely. When inspiration ran without chains and life had rhythm. Certainly better than this oil slick in the rain they were living now. Yes, things had changed. The promised angel called Modernity had slipped into the marrow before anyone could do anything about it and fear and hesitance seeped into the Gods. They were shunted into a singularity, one where they could be controlled. An idea of greatness, of something larger than themselves but humanity was quickly trying to close the gap. Convenience and accessibility had taken over. They called it advancement, Boreas preferred Murder. There can be no progress when the past is forgotten. For all his resentment, he was, in essence, unaffected. The weather still changed, the winters still came, but even those were becoming less elemental and more dictated. The others, however, they were not as fortunate. For once, Kalliope spoke from somewhere other than her greed and her need for dominance. She spoke from the heart, if she could be credited with such an organ after all these years.

He couldn’t help but grimace at the irony. The magnificent Kalliope, Muse of the glorious voice, reduced to nothing more than a wicked and calculating wordsmith in an age that wanted nothing to do with her.

His bones ached with the confinement of his human form. Everyone has a sunset. Even the immortal.

The false daylight of lightening coming through the flimsy window pane startled Boreas out of his slump. The meeting had ended with no resolution in sight. So here he sat, cold, sore and drunk with no idea what to do next. Waiting was the next step, he supposed. And he hated waiting.

He creaked to a standing position and flung the window open, letting the rain lash against his face for a moment. He could hear the brotherly taunts of the West wind and he closed the window to block him out. He pulled the dejected curtain closed and resumed his pacing without the company of his brandy.

He had walked a thin line last night. Their meetings usually dissolved into petty nitpickings and things had gotten too close to the quick for him.

“But really, I would think you would be the most concerned out of all of us here.” Kalliope was not one to let things go easily and she had resumed her pretentious tone.

Sentimentality is wasted on the cynics.

“Right. Suddenly because I’m one of the few ones with a brain here to realize the consequences of this, I’m the poster child for saving humanity and Erato and the rest of us? Please.”

“Oh come now Boreas. We all know your—loyalties—are a bit complex when it comes to the mortals. And it’s not like you were a stranger to our missing charge.” She eyed him coolly. She had laid her snare. “Then again, temptation is a demon we all face.”

“Oh come off it already. So I assuaged a few aching marriage pains here and there! Why that makes me in charge of her when she goes missing is beyond me. It was sex. It’s what she does.” He took a ragged breath. “And what my “loyalties” have to do with anything I don’t know. I’ll tell you one thing though, when it comes to finding our precious Erato, my loyalties are going to be a lot more helpful than your pathetic attempts at seceding. You can’t break what’s bound. Not even you, my dear, sweet Muse.” Boreas clenched his fists on the table.

The fall from grace had been a short one for him. His marriage was inescapable and boring and she was pure light and energy. Naturally he had chosen opportunity over morals. He had never listened before and life was better when you had no compass directing your steps in all the wrong directions.

“You aren’t exactly a stranger to betrayal though, are you? No. You talk about loyalties as if you knew what they were. Perhaps our silent Apollo could offer something more.”

It was his turn to throw salt. The tightrope was strung. Icy blue eyes stared into eyes just as blue and just as cold.

“You may not want to continue, Boreas.” Apollo’s voice came as cooled steel from the forge.

“Ah. So you do speak after all, our great bringer of Justice.” Boreas sneered. He had little concern for boundaries when he wasn’t angry. Let them try his patience now.

“Perhaps we could all learn something from studying your past then, Boreas. That would be a justice in its own right, now wouldn’t it. Why don’t you enlighten us with a few learned lessons?”

Boreas blanched but only for a fraction of a second. Kalliope saw it though and he knew it. That brought the color rushing back to his sallow cheeks.

“You have no proof of anything and you know it. Let it be.”

“Then I suggest you leave my integrity in tact for tonight.”

The fact that they both did not turn into piles of ash right there at the table had surprised more than just Boreas but at this point, it didn’t really seem to matter. He scrubbed his hands through his hair.

The pig was eight hours late and there was no sign of him showing any time soon.

He should go out for more brandy.