I've gotten this every time since I was 17...

Minus the Harry Potter part. I guess some things never change. (c:


Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

Writing is a dirty devil

My story is lacking commitment.

I figured it out. I have this problem in a lot of areas-strangely enough relationships not being one of them-regardless-

In my martial arts class I'm always being told to flesh out the movements a bit more, get into them, give them a little more oomph. Take them to their fullest. I tend to gloss over things a bit more...just naturally inclined that way.

So when I'm reading through my story-especially the last chapters, I'm realizing that I haven't really committed to anything-I've got the idea, I've got the "moments" that are supposed to mean something but I get into "gloss over" mode and I don't really write the moment. I get the bones and then expect people to get really excited hehe. Or something. So bearing this in mind-and hopefully without getting incredibly wordy and reaching for straws, I will attempt to actually write this thing-which sounds silly. I think I get scared away of what people may or may not think about my own sanity or my own personal values based on the things I write about. The thing is, I'm not writing my life story. They know that. I know that. I'm writing from the perspective of someone else entirely-in theory. And therefore, I can do what I want or what the story dictates. Something that makes things a little more interesting.

I've said it before, but there's something intimidating about putting things down in black and white because it makes them seem more real.

When I want to write something intense and sensuous and whatever, or completly the opposite, really awkward and open and quirky, I get tied up in the fear that people are going to overlay what my characters do and say and think about, onto me, without knowing me. I guess in someways it woudn't be a bad thing but at the same time-it's something I need to just get over.

Alrighty-making a late dinner and then perhaps attempting this monster. I swear I'll keep moving.

The abridged version of this post could have read: I am going to make a pledge to stop half assing everything I do.

On the road again..

No promises about the lucidity of this post, I'm lacking the appropriate coffee to blood stream ratio.

And I'm jetlagged.

And my o key is stuck. Srt f makes me want t write like this.

So I arrived last night, on time despite a delay at Chicago's airport due partially to the weather and to the fact that the valve that regulated the oil line designated to keep the fuel warm while in flight had gone schizo and they had to get it fixed. All went well with the flight though-sat behind one of the poorest examples of an American I've met in a while...

Excerpt from last night's overheard conversation:

Douchebag to the guy next to him: So, where you from?

Guy Next To Him, spoken in thick accent, moderately broken English: Austria

Douchebag: Ahh, from Down Under! (spoken in pathetic attempt at Aussie accent)

Austrian: No, not Australia-Austria.

Douchebag: Oh. Right.

Me: You know, the one by Germany.

Douchebag then proceeded to babble aimlessly and laugh at his own jokes.

Regardless, arrived back in KC with no problems...my awesome friend and now roommate made chili...so not only did I have food waiting for me...but it was hot, yummy homemade chili!

And I have a wonderful new bedroom and I slept like the dead last night. It was awesome. I got up around noon...finally. Currently feel a bit like a zombie but I think it'll be back to normal by tomorrow.

k..mre posting when my o key desn't require a ten pound grilla t sit n it t wrk.

To: The Economy From: Me

Dear Economy,

You haven't been looking well lately. In fact, I'd say you've been looking a little peakish. I'm worried about you. I think you need a rest. Sometimes starting over is the best option. It gives us a chance to rebuild and re-evaluate from the inside.

Change can be a good thing. I know it's hard to be the one who gets abandoned, being left brokenhearted and alone but you'll come through this. Lehman Brothers, Washington Mutual, all of those who are now gone, they weren't your real friends anyway. They were just smoke and mirrors, you're too good for them. You need substance in your life, real options that are backed by real promises, not empty words.

You're going through hard times, I understand. A lot of us understand, but we need you. You can't give up now, no throwing in the towel. It's time you took stock, figure out where you want to be in ten years and start moving forward. I'm not here to tell you what you already know, but sometimes we all need to be picked up by our bootstraps.

I'm also not here to tell you that the worst is over, it isn't. But if we pull together we can look towards a brighter, greener future. Things will be alright. We just have to keep a little perspective. You've been abused-taken for granted, even taken advantage of-you were pushed too far over the edge by those who didn't know how to appreciate you for you but it'll soon be over and you can show them what you're made of. It's time to get back to some of those old time values, don't just lay yourself down for every person with a pretty smile that comes along, have some pride. You have a choice who you invest your time and energy in.

So, why don't you come over to my place, we'll have some tea, I hear England's coming to see how you're doing and we can figure this all out. And that deficit everyone's talking about? Don't let it bother you too much. Just ignore all those hateful, hopeless words. You'll figure out how to get it paid off eventually. It'll be hard, you've been living in a virtual world for so long but recovery is possible. Even the best of us fall on hard times. So, buck up, take a deep breath and get ready to start a new chapter in your life, capitalize on some hard lessons learned and we'll see if the sun doesn't start to shine through those rain clouds.

Sincerely,

Me.

Idle Times

Ok, so I have chicken pox. Of all things. I thought it was measles at first but it tricksed me. Tricksy little viruses. Regardless, I look like Swamp Thing but it's all fine. Aesthetics aside, it's getting better. If my face falls off, well, that'll just make for a really interesting weekend.

Anyway-As I've been laying around in bed the past...week?...I've been doing a lot of thinking about this little election we're facing. Ok, so I know I'm probably late to jump on the bandwagon-I haven't been doing my rounds as usual, frankly, I haven't been doing much of anything, but I'm going to add my voice to whatever mix is out there.

I'm pissed.

I've been pissed for eight years. I've waited for eight years. And I am not about to stand here, lie here, sit here, whatever, and watch another pig-headed, foolish ass run the country. Regardless of what side of the line we stand on politically I don't think there's a single person right now who can say that they are really, truly happy with the state of things. You look at the anniversaries that have come and gone, Katrina, 9/11 and you have to wonder-what have we done with the time we've been given? Not a damn thing.

We have a city still in ruins because our government cares more about feeding their fat faces than repairing peoples lives.

We have memorials to commemorate people who died and what have we accomplished? If any of you are conspiracy theorists than perhaps you join me in a bit of wry smiling and head shaking, but regardless (or perhaps as Bush would say, irregardless..), we can throw up pretty memorials and say a bunch of nice, empty words and yet our actions, our ACTIONS show that we don't really give a damn. I'm sick of claiming a society that is so smug and so busy being pleased with ourselves over nothing that we can't smell our own bullshit.

I'll tell you something, the only reason Gustav got coverage was because it damaged oil sources, not because thousands of people were losing their lives as it ravaged across the seas-not because it threatened an already hobbling New Orleans. No, it got attention because of Oil.

We are drunk on it. We are gorged on it. I'm surprised it doesn't bleed out of the assholes in Washington every time they sit down. There has got to be a better solution.

People can throw around big words like Off Shore Drilling and Alaskan Tundra and Global Market but what it really boils down to is a quick fix. Nothing that is sucked out of this dehydrated earth today is going to affect our market before five, ten, fifteen, maybe twenty years. I'll be 45 in twenty years, at that point, I plan on being car free, living in a house that actually saves energy, running my business and going from there. Not stuffing my gas guzzling car full of more dirty, desperately endangered natural resources.

If I'm really honest, I am terrified, more than I can express with any word in any language, or any of the images I draw or paint, for the state of our environment. We live here, if we want to continue to do that, we have to change. And I mean, really, in our hearts and in our guts, change.

There is this word that people seem to be allergic to these days...it's called Responsibility. I'm not going to preach, we're all adults, we all know the meaning of this word. The problem is everyone seems afraid to do anything with it. Afraid or apathetic. I'm not sure which anymore.

To become an oil free nation is going to take time. The world and the global economy would come crashing down around our feet tomorrow if we pulled oil off the market right this second. We'd have bigger problems than Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and The Lehman Brothers to worry about, that's for sure. But to really, actually realize the reality that everyone keeps talking about, we're going to have to start now. Not 4 years from now, not 8 years from now, but NOW.

Germany has the right idea-the other day I helped to clean out some moving boxes. We came across old cassette tapes that we have no player to listen to them with anymore...so instead of dumping the whole thing in the trash, we took the cassettes out of their cases, put the cases in the yellow sack (which is the best invention ever...more in a minute) and put the rest in the "trash". All of it will be recycled. No rewards. No gimmicks. No expensive monthly fees to pay. Just done. Over, simple. No problem. Recycling is inherent in peoples lives here. To the point where the country can take other countries garbage and dispose of it for them.

Imagine if America actually got off its fat ass and tried that? Tried actually putting clear, functional, affordable recycling tools in peoples homes. The yellow sack idea is fantastic if you ask me. It's a bag, and it's yellow. Hence the name. And in it you put anything that qualifies as packaging. Plastic wrappers, casings, boxes, you name it, in the bag. And then you set it out on your curb like normal trash twice a week and it goes away. Into the blue yonder to be recycled in a clean and generally efficient manner. How hard is this? We're one of the biggest societies in the world and we can't figure out how to quit dumping our shit into the oceans and the landfills and streets? It's pathetic and it's sickening.

Germany also utilizes bio-tons. All biological food items (peelings, egg shells, small bits of leftovers) go into a trashcan looking container and taken to the giant compost heap. There's no smell, there's no unsightly anything, it's just a better way of processing waste. It's not that difficult.

Alas, things like this require that people set down their Blackberrys and their Starbucks Latte's *who really could do better and use 100 percent recycled cups instead of 60%. They have more money than god....it would probably improve their economic efficiency in the long run.* and DO something that takes a few extra seconds out of their day. More specifically, people need to put aside their bloated Egos that says they are more important than every other living creature on this planet and take a minute. Figure out how to carpool. Look into setting up a car share program in their city *which I'm going to look into once I'm back in the States. If I have to call the Wisconsin government and ask them, "How did you set up your rideshare?" I will. It can't be that hard. It would do wonders for our fuel and energy consumption though.

Ok, so in case you can't tell, I'm a bleeding heart hippy Liberal and I'm damn proud of it. I have a friend who is a Republican..we've been friends for almost 11 years. Friendship is deeper than politics and we've agreed to disagree on a lot--however, I care too much about this election to let it slip through our fingers again.

To win I think we need, above all, unity. We need to get behind our candidate and show that age does not equal wisdom. That throwing a pretty pair of tits up in front of the cameras who also happen to have a mouth and a brain attached to them is not the answer we're looking for when we say "We need change". It isn't about gender anymore. That Ace was already played and pocketed by Clinton. It's about reform. It's about motivation. I don't think John McCain can motivate anyone to do anything different than they are already doing. Which is the last thing anyone needs. Because what we've been doing isn't working. Someone remind me, what's the definition of Insanity again?

We think in terms of money, not honesty or environment unfortunately. Global Warming only became popular when we began to realize that it was costing us extra money (in the form of taxes, higher costs of living, the buzzword energy prices)...and it was hurting the environment. Ok, so money got our attention--the environments state has held it because the link between the two has been formed--now lets do something about it. Let's help both ourselves and the planet...which really should be first because as the saying goes...."Your last suit doesn't have any pockets." You can make all the money in the world and none of it will matter when we're dead. When that fate arrives on our doorstep has a lot to do with the changes and decisions we make today.

Clean air and water and all that other important stuff doesn't have any impact on people anymore. It's taken for granted. We've never had to suffer blindness because of contaminated drinking water like some countries. We should be grateful for that. Because at this rate, someday, we might. Ok, so all of that aside--you can't march around with signs in your hand that say "Save the Planet" and expect to spark change anymore. You can't yell and scream in public and expect to be heard. You have to do the hardest thing anyone can do....you have to change and you have to make sure other people know you've changed and lead by example.

There's a fine line between leading and flaunting but really, I think we could all manage. I have friends who truly have made lifestyle changes that are suited towards the environment. They get their groceries from a local KC Farming Collective. They built a house that uses the heat from the earth to stay warm. Every piece of wood in their home was set to be thrown away or burned and they salvaged it, reclaimed it and reused it. They did a lot of the work themselves instead of hiring out other people to do it for them, they bought appliances and items that conserve energy.

You don't have to go to that extreme necessarily but there are things you can do in your day to day life, more than just changing your lightbulbs or unplugging your appliances before you go to bed that can really make an impact. And that can show to the public and to the politics in a big way that we are ready to start down the road towards a future we can actually be proud to be part of.


We have big, scary issues facing our lives right now, threatening the very day to day routines that we take for granted. But only if we let it. If we can step away from our obsession with money and oil, if we can look to the other side of Privilege and see what Could Be, if we can stop fooling ourselves and start sacrificing, changing, revamping whatever you want to call it, the way we live our lives, then we can start to talk about renewable energy. Foreign Policy. Education. Above all, education.

In my belief, it starts with us before it starts with Politics but putting Obama in office wouldn't be a bad first step. 0:D That's just one liberals opinion.

In the end, though, it really comes down to what we do as a people. Not as Republicans or Democrats. We get too attached to labels in our society. We are all just people-and as people we have a responsibility to do what we can today. Take back the marionette strings and see what can happen.

Frequency and Tone

I'm not talking about music but close enough.

I'm talking about language.

Each language operates at it's own frequency or tone-the trick to learning languages then, i think, is not to do what I've tried to do and beat yourself over the head with grammar and all that other junk...(ok...so it's not a bad place to start, structure is important too darnit) but to get a few of the basic words and then just listen...a lot. But it's more than that too...I am not sure I can really get to the heart of what I'm trying to say, except to point out some of the obvious things and go from there.

Mainly, you cannot overlay your knowledge of one language on top of another. Maybe with some that are closely related, but say with Turkish (my addiction), it's nearly impossible. I know this, logically, and yet the tone and frequency of English is so ingrained...I know how to manipulate English, how to be funny, how to be professional or intelligent (sometimes) or whatever....I can say with relative confidence that I use my language well.

The trick for me now is to turn that part of my brain off and really figure out how to do the same thing with other languages...German is easier. I am proud to say that on the right day and without the kids yakkin' at me a mile a minute I will just start a sentence in German and pull from my resource until I hit a block...I don't have to sit there and think for three hours about what I want to say or how to say it, I just start to say it.

Therein lies a distinction as well...being able to pull from a source and having to filter it through your own language first or being able to pull directly from that source...that's the beauty of being around kids. You start to associate the things you hear with what they do because overall, they are not spewing Shakespeare they are just talking about the basic things.

A few months back I put down the Elementary Turkish book (hard as it was...i'm surprised it hadn't printed itself on my hands) and said, Ok, enough of that. I started chatting with a friend of mine...she speaks no English and my Turkish is hardly rudimentary but whatever. I found an online turkish dictionary for when I really get stuck and I started to try.

I had a few moments where the other person didnt understand a word of what I said, and I would have to try again...but generally I could be understood.

THe problem is that I'm speaking at the wrong frequency...rather, I'm typing at the wrong frequency. I catch myself all the time trying to use Turkish like English like I said and it doesn't work. They have no word for the verb "to have" for cryin' out loud..hehe.

Some things work out alright but you can tell from reading my IM's that it's a forced language for me....I know the words, I have a set of formula's in my head for forming sentences but there's no....heart....not the right word...there's no spirit to it. It's just words being put down in the order that I know they should go in.

Sometimes I get glimpses of light and I know that I'm getting closer but I have a lot of work to do.

They also have 8 cases so I'm not entirely just a dummy hehe. :D

Language is the thing...my raison d'etre in a sense...it's about a process, neurologically, emotionally, spiritually....it's the way to get past differences in race and culture. Language is all we have in a sense and I want as much of it as I can get. I don't know exactly why..maybe I want attention, maybe I'm looking for a better way to understand myself through the words of another, maybe I just like puzzles but there is something absolutely fascinating to me about the way people communicate with each other in their day to day life.

It's funny but I notice how differently our mouths work when we speak new languages with different sounds, and it's interesting because in older people, you can see the evidence of those movements in their smile lines and the lines around their mouths. That's cool to me.

There are some things that I can't imagine being written in any other language aside from English-namely my favorite books, because it wouldn't be "the same" I know how messy it is to translate something and to not just get the words but to get the meaning behind the words.

It's a loaded thing to try and translate what someone else has said into another language...I just said it but I'll say it again-it's not just about the words, it's about the meaning. The cultural, personal, societal weight and meaning that words can carry has to be translated along with the physical words.

I dunno...maybe I think too much. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but a lot of the time, it has it's own story. (c: I think the same is true with languages, sometimes things are just what they seem...that's the stuff you learn in school "Sit in a chair." "Open the window." Whatever-but to really get into a language takes a reconditioning of the brain that anyone can do I think if they have the patience and the desire.

I don't know...the best way to do something well is to practice so I'm going to keep at it. I'm going to force my friends and family to help me fix my mistakes and to bear with me while I make a fool out of myself trying to move past the 5th grade speaking level hehe...

I can feel this process taking place in my brain sometimes I think-someday the door will burst open and I will "get it". (c:

Intention. Action. Fruition.

Materialism

has to be the highest of all unattractive behaviors. Especially when it comes not from a superficial place that was put there by society, but when it is born into a person.

More specifically, any parent who would encourage this in their own child should be drawn and quartered.

Children should be taught the value of whatever currency you use (I'd say dollar but that changes too much on a daily basis anymore)--but not to the sacrifice of love.

And I'm not talking that hippy shit that those others would call "quirky" are always going on about...but I am talking about value. There is a level of value that comes from the quality of our relationships which is dictated by the quality of people we have around us. If I don't have a dime in my pocket, and yes, I've been there, I know that there are people who will be my friends regardless. My family, charmingly dysfunctional as they are, will still love me.

In short, they won't define my value by how much money I have in my bank account.

And while it might be hip and cool to flaunt whatever assets you think you have around, because our society has told us as much, if the world blows up and all of your possessions are gone, then what? The means by which you've defined yourself are gone and you're left with nothing. In the biggest sense. Assuming that we're left at all. Regardless.

You have to take time to cultivate the interior, the mind, the soul, whatever word you want to put on it--intelligence to me will never be defined by marrying someone or being with a person because it means you can pay your rent but are emotionally bankrupt.

And parents have this duty above all. So, listen up--quit being idiots and talking to your children about your money problems. Stop telling them the reason they can't have whatever stupid item they're asking for is because of the dollar value, don't tell them that you go shopping at certain places only because of money or whatever. Sometimes it's unavoidable and yes, they have to have an idea of how money and the economy works, but they don't need to have it define every element of their lives.

I can't even begin to express the absolute hatred of that behavior/attitude, whatever, I have. I can sit here and fume and type and say whatever but there is no word for it. Disgust comes close.

There is nothing that hurts me more than seeing someone, especially a kid, offer up or treat the things in their life that actually mean something as though they were nothing just because the monetary "value" isn't evident.

What good is a piece of paper that we give a virtual value to when it really comes down to it?

I need to find my copy of Zen and the Art.